Saturday, February 23, 2008

Naps, chocolate chip cookies, and American law

Instead of writing the standard autobiography profile on this blog, I would like to take some time every now and then to give you:

5 Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. My two absolute most favorite things to do in the world are nap and eat chocolate chip cookies (favorites being Chips Ahoy or Entenmann's) but sadly, I cannot partake in either on a regular basis. Because of the demands of a non-stop preschooler, and oh, a job, napping is an elusive lover, slipping behind large primary colored plastic toys and rarely finding its way to my couch on a Saturday afternoon. As for the chocolate chip cookies, I had to put out a restraining order against them because I have been known to HOUSE an entire box of Entenmann's in one sitting. I'm in my thirties, the metabolism just ain't what it used to be, and I don't want to be on the next episode of Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic being medi-vac'd out of my home.

2. I graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Before you go and think I’m all bragging about my brilliance, I will let you in on a little secret - I dropped Trigonometry my senior year and took Interior Design, so that probably helped.

3. Another testament to my brilliance and academic motivation - I failed a class in college. Yes, an actual F for the class. I took an American Law class when I had acute dementia and thought I might actually want to be a lawyer. I didn't realize at the time that becoming a lawyer would require me to read cases of law jargon prescribed only for an insomniac.

4. I hate the winter. Unless it involves a 4 month vacation to a tropical island full of chocolate chip cookies and naps. Other than that, complete waste of 4 months of my life.

5. I met Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block when I was 16. I could have died after that moment, but I'm glad I didn't because looking back on it, I would have missed out on a lot of better things than meeting Donnie Wahlberg, like eating more chocolate chip cookies and more blissful napping hours. But at that moment, I cried as if I'd seen the image of the Virgin Mary in my toile fabric during Interior Design class.

Check back often for more fascinating facts. But now it's your turn – tell us something about yourself!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Focus, People!

I went to a focus group tonight and sat around with a group of about 10 women whom I didn’t know and we all talked about our vaginas. It was the good, the bad, and the ugly of what goes on down there – pre- and post-baby as all of the women in the group had at least one vaginal birth and had pretty clear recollections of our special friend’s life before, during (I shudder to think of it) and after childbirth. And we got paid nicely for the conversation. I just sat there and didn’t have to do a thing except talk (and freely, I might add, because after you’ve pushed a 9 pounder out in front of what might as well have been the audience at a U2 concert, you don’t tend to hold back on the topic of the nether regions). The money was great and it came with a bonus – adult conversation with cookies and Diet Coke.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wanted: Cheap Babysitter

I can usually be found entertaining Monkey Man in the following ways on any given day: shooting Little Tikes hoops, watercolor painting on giant paper, taking a trip to Target or the mall, attending a story time or playgroup outing, and playing trains. Throw in a little T.V. (I do need to get things accomplished) and some meals and that pretty much sums up a day in the life of us. Hey, you, wake up! I know this is fascinating stuff.

I believe that a little bit of parent-controlled, age-appropriate television is totally acceptable for children. (Even some reruns of Sex and the City are pretty educational, but Monkey Man doesn’t stay up that late). But today was a rainy, icy, floody, generally yucky day and it did not warrant us braving the elements outside. I wasn’t feeling too productive inside, either, so I decided to throw my T.V. rules out the drafty window and let Monkey Man have at the magical, glowing box. After all, he is almost 3 years-old and fully capable of sitting on the couch by himself and devouring a delicious day of non-stop television.

I will now list, in no particular order, the shows Monkey Man watched today accompanied by my reviews:

· My Friends Tigger & Pooh – This is CSI for preschoolers. Pooh and Tigger are sleuths with the help of some girl. The real mystery - Who killed off Christopher Robin?

· The Upside Down Show – I don’t even know what this show is about because it’s on at 7 a.m. and that for me is an ungodly hour. I can barely pay attention throughout the day, forget at this time. However, I have seen that they are two grown men with cool Austrailian accents and the show elicits cackling laughter from Monkey Man so I give it 2 thumbs up.

· Dora the Explorer – This show guarantees that my tot will totally ACE the Standardized Preschool Entrance Exam in the subject of Spanish. Whew – load off my mind.

· Ni Hao, Kai-lan - A Dora rip off, but in Chinese. This show guarantees that my tot will totally ACE the Standardized Preschool Entrance Exam in the subject of Chinese. (Now HE can order my General Tso’s Chicken.)

· Wow Wow Wubbzy – I have no idea what this show is about since I have yet to sit through 20 seconds of it but the website says “Each half-hour episode promotes positive values like honesty, tolerance, fairness, and cooperation.” So sounds like fine T.V. for the unattended preschooler. And the little person who lives in our house gets freakishly excited when it comes on.

· Yo Gabba Gabba – Simply stated, the creators were smoking crack and watching Teletubbies when they came up with this brilliant one.

· Beverly Hills, 90210 – Oops, that was on my roster for today. This show rocks and Monkey Man is fascinated by the love triangle between Brenda, Kelly, and Dylan.

· Wonderpets – Some might argue this, but these animals are just so darn CUTE. And they are quite the animal rights activists helping animals in trouble and all.

· Sesame Street – God Bless this show. I do not need to teach my child one thing because Maria, Big Bird, Grover, Elmo and the rest of the gang do ALL the work for me. Can I get an “Amen”?

· The Wiggles - this wasn’t on today but deserves a mention in that it will NEVER be on in my house. It is blocked on my T.V. with the V-Chip – if I’m not exposing Monkey Man to violence and sex, I’m certainly not exposing him to this show. I don’t know what it is about it, but it makes me want to gauge out my eyeballs with forks while hanging from the rafters by my toenails. Because that would be more pleasant.

This concludes our marathon day of T.V. made for the little ones. Oh, there are plenty more quality viewings that I could leave for another day – one that comes to mind is The Doodlebops. You know what, I’m going to save some time. Just read my Wiggles review. Then stick a vat of boiling tar under my suspended body. And release.

Monday, February 4, 2008


Pop the cork, do a victory dance, it’s time to CELEBRATE!

No, this has nothing to do with the Giants’ Super Bowl win.

This has everything to do with pooping on the potty – not me, silly, Monkey Man. He did it today and TOLD US he had to do it. Just as exciting as that Super Bowl game and way more rewarding for me. I am on my way to an extra $10 per week. And my house smelling a little less like human waste.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Do You Take Sugar? One Lump or Two?

Read the title again - If you DON’T know the song that this line is from, I’m sorry. If you DO know, I’m also sorry.

I was the 6th Grade Name That Tune Champion. I have the useless ability to match pretty much any lyric to its 80s pop song. I’m only good at pop songs, though. Don’t give me anything that’s considered alternative or cutting edge. I was raised on Top 40 and continue, to this day, to listen to whatever is on WPLJ or if I’m feeling particularly cool and hip, Z100 (I’m in Jersey and these are NYC stations).

Here’s why I’m sorry if you DON'T know the aforementioned line – it comes from possibly the greatest 80s rock song of all time. If it isn’t in your brain somewhere, you have surely missed out on some spandex pants-clad good times. If you DO know the line’s origin, I am sorry too, because then you, like me, have possibly the un-coolest taste in music.

I am now exposing my 2 1/2 year-old to my unhip tunage choices. I received an iPod with speakers for Christmas (in addition to being totally on top of the music scene, I’m obviously very down with the latest in technology – didn’t these things come out like 5 years ago? Don’t they now have a chip that you insert in your BRAIN that plays any song as soon as you think of it??). Almost everyday, Monkey Man and I have a dance party to the Mommy Thinks She’s Still in Middle School soundtrack.

It goes a little something like this:

  1. Warm up to “Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar. (She is possibly the greatest, next to Rick Springfield, of course.)
  2. Bust a move to “Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice. (DJ at my wedding: “Are you sure you really want me to play this?” My answer: “If you want to get paid.”)
  3. Keep the heart rate pumping with “The Right Stuff” by New Kids on the Block. (One day there will be a post on my NKOTB days. I’m not ashamed.)
  4. Go out with a bang to the song from which the title of this post was taken: “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Thank you, Def Leppard, for providing such an age-appropriate song for my small rocker to shake his groove thing.
I so look forward to the day when Monkey Man blurts out another classic line from this song to the grandparents - “I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet.” This is why I had a child.