To: First Lady Michelle Obama
Re: United Cafeterias of America and their Right to Bear Snacks
Dearest Mrs. Obama,
I have a Quick Quiz: Which one of these foods does not belong?
A. Hot dog B. Mozzarella sticks C. Sauteed Swiss chard D. Nachos
If you picked “C”, ding ding ding! We got a winna’! A quick glance at my son’s school lunch menu for the month reads “Hot dog on a wheat bun with peaches” and “Mozzarella sticks with baby carrots” and “Macaroni and cheese with sautéed Swiss chard.” There are several things wrong with these selections:
- A wheat bun makes not the hot dog healthy.
- Adding a fruit and vegetable to each entrée is a nice try, but it cannot offset the fact that they are serving snacks from every circus and baseball game and calling it lunch.
- SWISS FREAKIN’ CHARD?? I don’t even know if I would eat that! The mac n’ cheese? Well, of course! But Swiss Chard? By the way, what IS Swiss Chard?
Even Pizza Fridays – as in EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME – is pizza two Fridays in October. And Tony’s Cheese Pizza is now called Tony’s Cheese WHEAT Crust Pizza. I guess Tony got in on the act, too, and realized, “Crap. I’m never gonna sell this nasty frozen pizza unless I throw a little wheat flour in the crust.” Mrs. Obama, I really do like you. But taking away Pizza Fridays? You are killing our kids’ childhoods. How will they reminisce about all those Fridays spent eating cardboard pizza in the cafeteria? It’s just not fair.
Apparently, the schools are offsetting this mall-food deficiency by offering “unlimited” fruits and vegetables making it sound like upon entering the school cafeteria you will feel as though you’ve stepped into a European open-air market with apples, peaches, bananas, grapes, and broccoli falling at your feet! However, word on the street is nary an apple is present. But the ice cream freezer is plugged in and raring to go! And the cookies and chips are lined up on the counter beckoning the children with their sugary and salty delightfulness. I’m not quite sure where you were for this part of the meeting when snacks were discussed. Perhaps you stepped out for a moment to take a First Lady tinkle and Mr. Corporate Lobbyist Frito-Lay and his sidekick Nabisco stepped in? Because I don't know how you wiped out the high-fat, cholesterol-filled, battered and fried mozzarella stick but the sugar-filled cookies and chips fried in saturated fats loaded with calories remain on our cafeteria counters.
I will continue to send my son in with his lunch on most days of the week preferring not to pay money for garbage disguised as nutritious food. He’ll complain to me about how I don’t love him because I send in a half of a whole wheat bagel or whole grain pasta accompanied by fruit, baby carrots or graham crackers. But as mean as I am, I will help Tony turn a profit every now and then because I simply cannot let my child not know what it’s like to grow up eating crappy cafeteria pizza. It’s a rite of passage even if it only happens once or twice a month nowadays.