TO: SANTA
RE: MY CHRISTMAS LIST
DATE: December 15, 2010
Dear Santa,
I’m just gonna jump right in and tell you how good I’ve been all year. I go to work each day, take care of Monkey Man, take care of my house, pay my bills on time, eat my fruits and vegetables, take the dog for a walk, curse at people who can’t drive. Oops. Okay, fine, Santa. I’m not perfect but I have 2 excuses. 1.) I’m a stressed out mom. 2.) Some people are just plain stupid.
I have a Christmas List this year, Santa, and I know you don’t like to disappoint. I totally deserve some attention from you and your elves. So Santa, help a mom out.
1. I would like sleep. Preferably on a deserted island. Well, maybe not deserted. Rick Springfield can join me if he'd like. And ONLY because I want to be serenaded to sleep, because I’m not that kind of girl, Santa. I’m a married woman and Rick’s a married man. And I have enough on my plate with one man, who needs 2? Really, Santa. Get your jolly head out of the gutter.
2. I NEED spoons. Yes, an unusual request, you might be thinking, but we have a serious spoon shortage in our small household of 3. I have a problem – I don’t pay attention to the garbage disposal when a utensil, usually a spoon, gets stuck in it. Then, my spoons get all cut up and get turned into lethal weapons. I don’t want the simple act of slurping soup to turn into a horror flick.
3. I would love about 6 extra hours in a day. This doesn’t need much explanation. You know how Christmas is your busy season? Well, I feel like life is my busy season.
4. A protective shield that emits 75 degree temperatures around my body in the winter. You may need to defer to a consultant on this one, maybe a Star Trek geek or some other sci-fi freak that can help you with this? But this is a real necessity. I LOATHE walking out my front door and 20 feet to my car in temperatures below 50. Nowadays, I get to spend 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week outside in the winter for recess duty. Watching children run around like it’s a balmy 80 degrees out. Praying they don’t fall off monkey bars and kick another kid down the slide. So the stress of recess duty is enough. Throw in winter and it just sucks snowballs. Please excuse my French, Santa.
5. Santa, it is perhaps my greatest wish for chocolate chip cookies to have no effect on my body. And Holiday Pop ‘Ems. It’s just not fair that the two greatest foods on the planet are so good, but so bad. But soooo good.
6. This is a big one, and probably a request you get a lot from the grown ups. I know you’ve seen the thing I drive around in. I will loosely refer to it as a car. Well, that car originally started out as hubby’s way back in 1999. It was never my intention to be my primary mode of transportation. It is 12 years old and has more miles on it than a car should have. Hubby takes the “good car” because he has a lot farther to drive and frankly, Santa, the other car might not make it. So here I am, buzzing around town in a car that only plays the radio on one volume – LOUD, only emits heat or air conditioning on one setting – HIGH, squeaks and rattles, and makes me feel like a kid who just got her driver’s license and is running around in her parents rent-a-wreck because, who cares? I just got my license and I’m so cool that it doesn’t matter! But I got my license 19 years ago, don’t really think I’m that cool, and have since worked in jobs paying more than minimum wage. Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I am grateful to have a car, to have a job in which to drive that car, and to have a warm home in which to park my car in front of. However, I am a little concerned that I might be stranded at the side of the road in the very near future. Besides, hubby gets to listen to CDs in his car. Guess what I have the luxury of listening to? A tape. Do you even remember what a cassette tape IS?
Maybe this list comes as a breath of fresh air after all those, “I want a dolly and a truck and a video game” letters. Look at this as a challenge, Santa. Rise to the occasion. And please stop thinking, “Yep, the spoons. Now THOSE are doable.”
Thank you, Santa and Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
No Joke!
Monkey Man FINALLY told a coherent, intelligible joke tonight. He’s moved past the, “What did the dog say to the cat? You’re a TURTLE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” and peeing himself because that was possibly the funniest thing he’s ever heard in his 5 years on this Earth. And Thank God. Because there is only so much, “That’s really funny. I’m really proud of how amazingly hilarious you made that completely nonsensical joke” you can say to your kid. Sometimes self-esteem is overrated and should be crushed. That’s what therapy is for, right?
Tonight, Monkey Man informed us that he learned a joke in his 5s class. Monkey Man goes to Kindergarten in the mornings and in our school district, it’s only half day. So in order to enrich his growing mind (i.e. keep him busy while I’m at work) he goes to his preschool’s 5s class most afternoons. It’s made up of kids who either missed the highly coveted October 1 deadline, or who go to the neighboring districts with half day Kindergartens. But the 5s teacher totally ROCKS so it’s worth the tuition.
In addition to reinforcing Monkey Man’s sight words, giving him the play time that he doesn’t get in Kindergarten, and treating each of her kids with total love and respect, I need to thank Miss P for teaching Monkey Man a REAL LIVE JOKE.
Tonight, Monkey Man sashayed up to the mic and told hubby and I his joke:
What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
You’re BOO-tiful!
Hubby and I laughed. Like a real laugh. Like a “FINALLY. We’ve passed that I-want- to-stab-action-figures-in-my-eardrums joke stage” laugh. Then hubby said to Monkey Man, “YOU are boo-tiful!”
Monkey Man responded, “I’m a boy, I’m handsome-ful!”
Funny AND smart. Complete package, ladies!
Note: My husband informed me that while he was given 0.2 seconds to think of the punch line, he was trying to come up with what a boy ghost would say to a girl ghost. And this is what he came up with. “I like your boo-bs.” This is why my husband writes inappropriate comics and does not teach preschool.
Tonight, Monkey Man informed us that he learned a joke in his 5s class. Monkey Man goes to Kindergarten in the mornings and in our school district, it’s only half day. So in order to enrich his growing mind (i.e. keep him busy while I’m at work) he goes to his preschool’s 5s class most afternoons. It’s made up of kids who either missed the highly coveted October 1 deadline, or who go to the neighboring districts with half day Kindergartens. But the 5s teacher totally ROCKS so it’s worth the tuition.
In addition to reinforcing Monkey Man’s sight words, giving him the play time that he doesn’t get in Kindergarten, and treating each of her kids with total love and respect, I need to thank Miss P for teaching Monkey Man a REAL LIVE JOKE.
Tonight, Monkey Man sashayed up to the mic and told hubby and I his joke:
What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost?
You’re BOO-tiful!
Hubby and I laughed. Like a real laugh. Like a “FINALLY. We’ve passed that I-want- to-stab-action-figures-in-my-eardrums joke stage” laugh. Then hubby said to Monkey Man, “YOU are boo-tiful!”
Monkey Man responded, “I’m a boy, I’m handsome-ful!”
Funny AND smart. Complete package, ladies!
Note: My husband informed me that while he was given 0.2 seconds to think of the punch line, he was trying to come up with what a boy ghost would say to a girl ghost. And this is what he came up with. “I like your boo-bs.” This is why my husband writes inappropriate comics and does not teach preschool.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Memo From Mom - It's Just Ludacris!
To: Enrique Iglesias
Re: Get a Little Ludacris
Date: November 17, 2010
This memo is in reference to your newest song, “Tonight.” Seriously, Enrique, you make me want to move my rumpshaker. And yes, that is a throwback to some early 90s music, because that’s exactly what I think of when I hear, “Tonight.” With that cool, record-spinning, retro 90s techno sound you got going on in this song, I am instantly whisked back to when I hit the clubs. In NYC. A long time ago. You were probably like 8 or something.
I do have a few concerns, however. First, while listening to this song in the car, I might get into an accident. I just have to DANCE. My car thrusts back and forth because my foot is on the gas, off the gas, while I attempt to do the Roger Rabbit and Running Man while safely buckled in my completely uncool Mom car. (Side note: I totally KILLED those dances back in the day.)
My larger concern, however, is not about my personal safety. It is about your lyrics. And I don’t mean this in a, “I am so offended!” way. I feel like you were reaching a little in this song. When I hear, “Tonight,” it is my time to listen to MY music (read: opposite of a song that Monkey Man barks out orders for from the back seat). I do not want to be reminded of Green Eggs and Ham. I will not eat them, Sam I am. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m fully aware that you are not a poetic genius (my apologies if YOU didn’t know that) but this whole refrain is not only too Cat in the Hat, but also quite reminiscent of Adam Sandler’s Cajun Man from SNL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Qx0UYls5c):
Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude
Cause tonight I’m lovin’ you…
You do, however, get props for using big words. Your collaborator on the song, Ludacris, now, he is a genius. Again, not poetically, but that boy can throw down some wordplay. He might not use big boy words like you, but he makes the listener think. He’s not interested in Dr. Seuss rhymes. He keeps it real. I want to totally give him a fist pound for this beauty:
Winter and summertime
When I get you on the springs
Imma make you fall
What great usage of all four seasons to tell a woman you want to totally knock boots (thank you again 90s for more awesome references).
Enrique, I encourage you to continue your music. But have a little sit down with Ludacris. He may not spew forth words of Shakespeare or Dickinson, but he sure makes me yell, “Yes, now that was one hell of a metaphor!” Even if he doesn’t know it’s a metaphor. Hmm, maybe Ludacris IS a genius…
Re: Get a Little Ludacris
Date: November 17, 2010
This memo is in reference to your newest song, “Tonight.” Seriously, Enrique, you make me want to move my rumpshaker. And yes, that is a throwback to some early 90s music, because that’s exactly what I think of when I hear, “Tonight.” With that cool, record-spinning, retro 90s techno sound you got going on in this song, I am instantly whisked back to when I hit the clubs. In NYC. A long time ago. You were probably like 8 or something.
I do have a few concerns, however. First, while listening to this song in the car, I might get into an accident. I just have to DANCE. My car thrusts back and forth because my foot is on the gas, off the gas, while I attempt to do the Roger Rabbit and Running Man while safely buckled in my completely uncool Mom car. (Side note: I totally KILLED those dances back in the day.)
My larger concern, however, is not about my personal safety. It is about your lyrics. And I don’t mean this in a, “I am so offended!” way. I feel like you were reaching a little in this song. When I hear, “Tonight,” it is my time to listen to MY music (read: opposite of a song that Monkey Man barks out orders for from the back seat). I do not want to be reminded of Green Eggs and Ham. I will not eat them, Sam I am. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m fully aware that you are not a poetic genius (my apologies if YOU didn’t know that) but this whole refrain is not only too Cat in the Hat, but also quite reminiscent of Adam Sandler’s Cajun Man from SNL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Qx0UYls5c):
Here’s the situation
Been to every nation
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do
You know my motivation
Given my reputation
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude
Cause tonight I’m lovin’ you…
You do, however, get props for using big words. Your collaborator on the song, Ludacris, now, he is a genius. Again, not poetically, but that boy can throw down some wordplay. He might not use big boy words like you, but he makes the listener think. He’s not interested in Dr. Seuss rhymes. He keeps it real. I want to totally give him a fist pound for this beauty:
Winter and summertime
When I get you on the springs
Imma make you fall
What great usage of all four seasons to tell a woman you want to totally knock boots (thank you again 90s for more awesome references).
Enrique, I encourage you to continue your music. But have a little sit down with Ludacris. He may not spew forth words of Shakespeare or Dickinson, but he sure makes me yell, “Yes, now that was one hell of a metaphor!” Even if he doesn’t know it’s a metaphor. Hmm, maybe Ludacris IS a genius…
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
When Life Hands You Lemons...
You get to eat your kid’s Halloween candy. As you might know from reading this blog, Monkey Man is allergic to peanuts (and pecans and shellfish, but that’s irrelevant to this post). We’ve learned to live with it and our family and closest friends are very aware of this potentially life-threatening allergy. We have Epi-pens in our house, in my purse, at his school, and at each of the grandparents’ homes. Family and friends are label-conscious and keep their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches far away. (Well, most of them do. But that’s another post on people who just don’t get it or don’t care).
But when Halloween rolls around, Hubby and I get to reap the harvest of generous neighbors! When Monkey Man’s plastic pumpkin is half-filled with Snickers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Peanut M&M’s, Hubby and I become 5 year-old children drooling over the booty our little goblin has collected for us!
“Oh, I’m so sorry Monkey Man, but you can’t have THIS, or THIS, or THIS because, sniff, sniff, it has peanuts in it,” I say feigning sadness, while sneaking a glance at Hubby that says, “Oh, yeah. Score." But guess what Mommy’s bringing to work for a little afternoon pick-me-up? Those peanut M&M’s will be perfect at 1:00 when I’m about to head outside for recess duty, aka Tattle Deflection Duty/Bullying Prevention Duty. And this Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? That will be waiting for me at 3:20 when I walk out to my car for a little more peanut buttery goodness that’s not allowed to be eaten in my own home. MY OWN HOME! It pains me to no longer eat a Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich with a big, cold glass of milk. But these are the sacrifices we must make. And my retribution is to thieve from my child.
But when Halloween rolls around, Hubby and I get to reap the harvest of generous neighbors! When Monkey Man’s plastic pumpkin is half-filled with Snickers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Peanut M&M’s, Hubby and I become 5 year-old children drooling over the booty our little goblin has collected for us!
“Oh, I’m so sorry Monkey Man, but you can’t have THIS, or THIS, or THIS because, sniff, sniff, it has peanuts in it,” I say feigning sadness, while sneaking a glance at Hubby that says, “Oh, yeah. Score." But guess what Mommy’s bringing to work for a little afternoon pick-me-up? Those peanut M&M’s will be perfect at 1:00 when I’m about to head outside for recess duty, aka Tattle Deflection Duty/Bullying Prevention Duty. And this Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup? That will be waiting for me at 3:20 when I walk out to my car for a little more peanut buttery goodness that’s not allowed to be eaten in my own home. MY OWN HOME! It pains me to no longer eat a Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich with a big, cold glass of milk. But these are the sacrifices we must make. And my retribution is to thieve from my child.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday Funnies...Wait, Today is Thursday!
Because this is pretty much how my life has been the past few months. What's that, I've missed 2 Sundays worth of hubby's comics and haven't written a damn thing in months? I have 2 excuses:
1) I've been doing a lot of work for my husband's comic and soon-to-be released book. You know, that one I promote on this blog? In case you missed it, it's called The Deranged Stalker's Guide of Pop Culture Shock Therapy and it's really freakin' funny.
2) I'm lazy. For instance, last night I had about 3 hours to do whatever I pleased. Hubby is out of town doing a book signing for aforementioned freakin' funny book, and Monkey Man passed out by 8 p.m. What did I do? I watched a DVR'd episode of Grey's and ate ice cream. I vacuumed, because that's what I do to procrastinate. I thought about writing a post, then I put away laundry.
In lieu of a comic, you can skip the gym and laugh until your abs hurt like you've just done 500 crunches after viewing 3 promotional webisodes created for the book. Copy and paste the link - sorry, my technological prowess did not enable me to make the link active so you could just click on it. And by the way, yours truly stars in Webisode #3.
youtube.com/user/popculturecomics1
1) I've been doing a lot of work for my husband's comic and soon-to-be released book. You know, that one I promote on this blog? In case you missed it, it's called The Deranged Stalker's Guide of Pop Culture Shock Therapy and it's really freakin' funny.
2) I'm lazy. For instance, last night I had about 3 hours to do whatever I pleased. Hubby is out of town doing a book signing for aforementioned freakin' funny book, and Monkey Man passed out by 8 p.m. What did I do? I watched a DVR'd episode of Grey's and ate ice cream. I vacuumed, because that's what I do to procrastinate. I thought about writing a post, then I put away laundry.
In lieu of a comic, you can skip the gym and laugh until your abs hurt like you've just done 500 crunches after viewing 3 promotional webisodes created for the book. Copy and paste the link - sorry, my technological prowess did not enable me to make the link active so you could just click on it. And by the way, yours truly stars in Webisode #3.
youtube.com/user/popculturecomics1
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday Funnies
Okay, okay, it's the Monday Funnies today. But, this is pretty huge and extremely funny! The first promotional video for my husband's book, you know that one I'm shamelessly pushing on people, is done! Here's the link - check it out and tell everyone you know to check it out! Oh, and just in case you forgot the name of the book and release date, it's The Deranged Stalker's Journal of Pop Culture Shock Therapy coming November 2!
www.youtube.com/user/popculturecomics1
www.youtube.com/user/popculturecomics1
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