Drag Queens & Preschoolers

The 'tude on this kid rivals that of a drag queen having a bad hair day. I’m finding it hard these days to come up with a funny, sweet, or witty story about Monkey Man. Because let me tell you LOUD AND CLEAR, shouting from the rooftop of my suburban home, that these days, Monkey Man’s behaviors haven’t erred on the side of funny or sweet. But witty? Well, I am most certainly at my wit’s end.

So now, I give you…
The Top 5 Things I’d Rather Be Doing Other Than Raising a 4 Year-Old:

5. Shop naked in a Beverly Hills boutique while bloated with PMS. I would rather have wealthy, snobby, nipped, tucked, carved, starving size 0 women see my body in all its water retentiveness than say one more time, “If you don’t stop whining I’m locking you in the broom closet until they do a documentary on what exactly happened in your life to turn you into the Michael Myers of our neighborhood.”

4. Relive my entire 6th grade year. At least now if my BFF passed me a note stating she is no longer my BFF because, and I quote, “You know what you did,” I would have the nerve to say to her, “F**k off bi**h.” Sometimes I think, if I survived 6th grade, there is a good chance of me making it through this stage of Monkey Man’s life.

3. Be puking drunk because at least during some part of the night I was having a good time dancing on a bar. I always had (notice past tense) a good time dancing on bars. And not for money, I’m not that kind of girl.

2. Give up any kind of product that contains chocolate for an entire year. I’m sure the shakes and sweats wouldn’t last too long, and by the end of the year, my body might be worthy of shopping naked in that Beverly Hills boutique.

1. Relive Monkey Man’s first 8 weeks. You know, that time when the newborns lay there like parasitic blobs, just taking all your sleep, your smiles, your boobs, your SELF formerly known as YOU. Because this 4 year-old thing, it’s JUST. THAT. BAD.