Today's Thoughts: Migraines, McDonald's, Kickboxing, Rick Springfield, and CNN

I’ve had some really bangin’ headaches this past week which have drained every bit of creativity from my head (or at least that’s the story I’m sticking to). But, today, HALLALEUJAH! The headache gods have taken mercy and blessed me with productivity and a painless day.

In a desperate plea for ideas, I put it out there on Facebook for some blog post ideas. I promised that the first 3 people to give me ideas would get a post. And they will. One post. This one here. So enjoy!

The 3 ideas were:
1.Kickboxing instructors who advertise outside of McDonald’s... smart or insulting or funny?

How about brilliant? And hilarious? I’m sorry, but it’s not insulting at all. It’s a reminder that if you keep eating that crap, it does things to you. Bad things. Now, I am not saying you can never eat McDonald’s or any of its artery-clogging brethren. I take Monkey Man maybe once a month when Hubby is working late and I don’t want to cook (well, I never want to cook, but it gives me a good excuse).

I do not want to hear people say it’s cheap and easy to feed a family. Last night, while my headache kicked it up about 10 notches, I baked a lemon garlic tilipia, steamed fresh carrots, and made some 10 minute brown rice. It took me about 10 minutes prep time and probably cost $9 for the entire family. That’s $3 per person for you math wizards out there.

Fitness instructors and facilities, although in it to make money (but what business isn’t?) are at least trying to help people get healthy, both physically and emotionally. McDonald’s is doing nothing more than making money off of humanity getting fatter and unhealthier.

Yes, I have proclaimed my love of the Pop ‘em, chocolate chip cookies and ice cream many times before. But, moderation is key. I would think it just as brilliant and hilarious if I walked past the Entenmann’s end cap and there was a huge blow-up of Jillian Michaels pointing to ME reminding me to workout that day. It might make me think twice about those delectable sprinkled balls of Heaven (but probably not).

2. Top 10 things I'd rather be doing other than this blog with a migraine.

Well, that’s easy. Sleep. And eat mint chocolate chip ice cream. And watch back-to-back episodes of Jersey Shore or any Real Housewives of (Insert any city except DC or Atlanta). And then fill in sleep for the other 7 slots. A visit from Rick Springfield would have been great, too, even if I mostly wore mismatched pajama pants and t-shirts for those days that my head felt like it would explode.

3. How crazy this year has been with the weather or how many days until people catch cabin fever.

Huh? It was very nice of this person to offer up his idea, but I’m guessing he does not read my blog. I don’t really offer anything intellectual or thought-provoking on these pages. Unless I can figure out a way for global warming to make you pee your pants, I’m probably going to avoid it and let CNN take care of that for me. But you know what does make me pee my pants? Fox News. And that’s enough political commentary for now.

Oh, wait! Funny weather-related story - I did have the pleasure of waking up to my 80-pound dog jumping into bed with us the other night when we had yet another thunderstorm. Now that’s funny stuff, right? RIGHT? What, no? Okay, fine. Well, then, over to you, Fox News. You can take care of the funny stuff for me.

Thanks to all who contributed ideas. I hope I have served you well.

Thesis: The Philosophy of Pitbull and How it Directly Correlates to Rick Springfield. Who Knew.

I’ve been hearing that song “Give Me Everything Tonight” by Pitbull, featuring Ni Hao Kai Lan from Nickelodeon, or somebody like that. Maybe it is Ne-Yo. Oh, whatever. It’s some rapper and I have no idea since I am clearly not immersed in the rap culture. Word.

Every time I hear that song, I think, “What a nice message,” because they say “We might not get tomorrow, let’s do it tonight.” I just thought it was a fun go-out-there-and-party message, you know, like live for today because you don’t know if there will be a tomorrow. Okay, so I ignored the following catchy little ditty in the middle of the song:

Excuse me
But I might drink a little bit more than I should tonight
And I might take you home with me if I could tonight
And I think you should let me cause I look good tonight (awesome self esteem!)
And we might not get tomorrow

Hmmmm. Okay, I will give him that if I, indeed, do not have tomorrow, because, say, the Earth is going to swallow me up whole, then I might knock back a few glasses of wine and chase them with tequila just so the sting of feeling the Earth’s burning core around me won’t be so bad. I might even think Armageddon is somewhat humorous if I’ve had one too many.

But it got me thinking. Is this song really about going out there and skydiving, or giving money to the needy, or making sure you give your kid a kiss each night before bed? Well, I listened a little more closely this morning when I heard the catchy tune on the radio (yes, I still listen to the radio. I love the spontaneity, the “Hey, what song will be on NEXT?" My iPod is too predictable).

Well, upon closer auditory investigation then confirmation after googling the lyrics, this song is most certainly NOT about living in the moment. Let me correct myself. It IS about living in the moment. Like having sex. Right. Now.

Put it on my life baby (say what?)
I can make you feel right baby
I can’t promise tomorrow
But I promise tonight (Big promises. Hope for the girl’s – or guy’s sake – he delivers)

And over and over again, he urges people to grab somebody sexy:

Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight

At first I thought, that just isn’t safe. Just anyone sexy? What about diseases? Background check? Just because they’re sexy doesn’t mean they won’t take you home and lock you in their basement. But then again, if we don’t have tomorrow, we don’t have tomorrow, so I guess a basement isn’t a big deal because he or she is sexy, and it’s all going to end by morning anyway.

However, I think the biggest thing that bothers me about this song is what exactly I would do if I might not have tomorrow. Do I really want to spend my last night grabbing someone sexy? I might want to go to Target. I might want to eat 4 boxes of Pop ‘Ems with no regrets. I might want to listen to Jessie’s Girl right before the world ends, or at least before my world ends.

Which then brought me full circle to the point of this song – By God, YES! I would grab someone sexy. I would grab Rick Springfield, bring him to Target, sit my butt down, and eat my Pop ‘Ems as Rick serenades me with “Jessie’s Girl” into the great hereafter.

Apologies to Hubby who is also sexy, but he’s totally on board with the whole Rick thing. I’ll give him the night before the last night. And on HIS last night? He can have Rick’s wife. I’m generous.

I’m Your Sugar(less) Mama

Today started a 6 week adventure in which I will not eat sugar. Let me clarify – sugar in the form of cookies, ice cream, graham crackers, cake, POP EMS - aka “special treats” in our house. I will be eating fruit and veggies and I am allowing myself a Fiber 1 Oats & Chocolate bar if I am scratching my face and shaking with cold sweats from sugar withdrawal. Basically, the food has to have some kind of nutritional value. Fiber One Oats & Chocolate bars are pretty awesome and I’m 36 going on 37, so anything fiber has value in my world.

This sugar abstinence happens to be coinciding with Lent and giving something up, however, I am not particularly religious. I don’t feel like I HAVE to sacrifice something. Many people also try to do something good for each day of Lent. Because of this, I will write SOMETHING on my blog every day for 40 days. This could go in either direction – either I’ll get some really awesome posts from writing so much, or my brain will be dead from lack of sugar and ideas and my blog will self-combust. Hopefully it’ll be funny either way. There is a good chance at some point I might be writing about hallucinogenic conversations I’m having with Pop ‘Ems. I just don’t know what sugar withdrawal will bring. It’s all so exciting to wonder what kind of a cranky bitch I might turn into.

What I do know is that at the end of Day 1, I’m in bed at a safe distance from the Tootsie Rolls, Golden Oreos, and Rice Krispie Treats that are waiting to get stuffed into Monkey Man’s birthday party goody bags. And my dad brought over some mini Oreos for Monkey Man that I am fairly certain are whispering my name.

And on that note, Good Night, Day 1 and sweet dreams of carrots, apples and the oh so naughty Fiber One bar.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!

Two days after I wrote the helpful letter to the Entenmann's CEO requesting a Holiday Pop'em to fill the gap between Easter and the 4th of July, I passed by the Entenmann's display at the local grocery store.

Something caught my eye. Well, not so much caught my eye, because I do stare down the display whenever I pass it in the hopes that maybe an expired box from the holiday before is sitting there. It was the sprinkles that captured me. I thought, "Wait, it's May 1. How can this be?" My mind raced through the calendar. No, no, there is definitly not a holiday coming up. The box read, "Rainbow" and, indeed, rainbow sprinkles adorned these Spring Pop'ems. The box was decorated in a sports theme, but really, who cares about the box. There were sprinkled Pop'ems inside.

The ONLY REASON I did not buy that box of sin is because I was fresh out of my kickboxing class, feeling very good about my workout and not wanting to replace the calories I'd burned plus add an extra 500 calories. And I haven't been back to that grocery store, although I need to get a photo of that precious box. I'm very afraid that this newbie to the Entenmann's line will tackle me near the frozen foods and gag me with their frosted, chocolately deliciousness.

Memo to Mr. Pop'em

TO: Entenmann's CEO
FROM: A concerned consumer
RE: Holiday Pop'ems production calendar
DATE: April 30, 2010

I am a lover of your Holiday Pop'ems line. Your regular Pop'ems are fine, I've indulged in those basic donut holes just a few times in my life, and they are quite easy to pass by in the grocery store without drool dripping down my chin. But the Holiday Pop'em, the chocolate variety layered in sprinkles, beckon to me like a choir of angels. A choir of sadistic angels that know very well that I workout hard and nearly kill myself in kickboxing. Yet they sing to me, shout to me, practically bounce their way out of the box right into my mouth.

As ridiculously addicting and bad for every part of my body as these delectable balls are, they just aren't around enough throughout the year. As you know, these Holiday Pop'ems only come out a few times a year: Christmas, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, 4th of July, and Halloween. Let me tell you, CEO, there is entirely TOO MUCH TIME between Easter and the 4th of July AND THEN between the celebration of our nation's independence to Halloween.

And this is where my complaint letter becomes a helpful letter with a solution. Let me introduce to you the Mother’s Day Pop’em. Every mother on this planet wants little else but to indulge in some evil, sugary treat (or indulge in alcohol, but one can still function and raise children under the influence of the Pop’em. Although I have eaten myself into a sugar coma on occasion from the inhaling of one too many. It hasn’t caused me to miss school pick up, but I did have to wipe my chin extra good from the multi-colored sprinkle goatee I gave myself).

The Mother’s Day Pop’em could have pretty multi-colored sprinkles to represent the beautiful mommies out there, all quite different but yet all the same in their love of chocolate and sugar and heaven (oh, yes, and our love for our children).

I'm still working on the filler for that 4th of July to Halloween gap. In addition to the Holiday Pop’em, I do love Italian food, so maybe Columbus Day to thank the Italians for some kickass cuisine. And MTV's Jersey Shore. Yes, there you have it. We definitely need a Pop'em to thank our fine Italian friends for producing such outstanding people as Snooki and Pauly D.

Sincerely,
Someone who would really just like sprinkled Pop'ems 365 days a year

It’s in Writing…Crap.

I made a few simple New Year’s Resolutions. Nothing to get crazy about. Not a long list, because really, who needs that kind of stress and depression if the resolution is not resolved?

Go to bed by 10 p.m. Sunday through Thursday (work nights)
In an attempt to read more and sleep more, I am trying this one. 25 days into the new year, I’ve been somewhat successful. It’s at least lurking at the back of my brain when it’s 10:15 and I still need to fold the laundry. It’s kind of liberating to let the laundry sit for another day because I need my beauty sleep.

I have been reading a lot more and there have been a few mornings that I haven’t felt like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’ve never gone to bed really late, 11-11:30 was the latest, but if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep, I am a miserable human being. And since Monkey Man still has not received the memo that waking before 7 a.m. is simply unacceptable, I’m really doing this for him. What 4 year-old wants to wake in the morning, all chipper and ready to start a new day, a day that he feels has endless possibilities with mommy barking, “It’s too early! Go back to bed! Okay, fine, get in our bed and I’ll put on that annoying little yellow sponge that sucks every brain cell out of your head but will buy me 30 more minutes.” So really Monkey Man, this resolution was born out of my love for you.

Stop the addiction to Facebook
As Spongebob sucks the brain cells from Monkey Man’s head, so does Facebook do to mine. I’ll get on the computer, check email, get ready to write a post, then “just check Facebook.”
Translation: I’ll get my world news from the Live Feed, find out HGTV and Food Network are back on Cablevision, get pissed at some person’s status because they are voicing their opposing political opinions a little too loudly for my taste. Then I’ll get lost on someone’s page looking at photos of my friend’s cousin’s friend’s mother’s nephew’s birthday party. Two hours later, the laundry sits, I need to iron and make lunches for the next day, I haven’t emptied the dishwasher, and I STILL haven’t written that blog post. So, on January 25, a new resolution was born: to only check Facebook on weekends.

Stop eating meat
My husband has been a vegetarian for almost 4 years. When he started, I did it for 6 months. Then I just kind of stopped, eating it (it being chicken or turkey, I haven’t had a real hamburger in probably 4-5 years) here and there if we went out to dinner. I never cook meat at home. I’ll eat it out, but I cannot stand to touch any kind of raw meat. I became very used to “fake meat” – veggie burgers, soy crumbles, fake meatballs, fake chicken – and that’s what Monkey Man eats, too (well, that and occasionally real chicken nuggets. If you can call chicken nuggets real. But he also eats the fake chicken nuggets). There really isn’t a reason for me to eat meat. I’m perfectly happy with all the meat substitutes and I know of plenty of other sources of protein and vitamins (more so now than 4 years ago). So on January 2nd I decided to go meatless again.

Maybe next year I’ll decide to give up chocolate chip cookies. Or Pop Ems. Yeah right.