There is a can of chocolate frosting leftover from Monkey Man's birthday bash this weekend that is sitting in my refrigerator. It has been sitting there since Friday night. And I have not touched that can. Now, in my saner, sugar-eating days, I would have slaughtered that frosting with my mighty spoon and made up for it the next day at kickboxing. But instead, each time I open the fridge, I give it a quick once-over, a cocky "whatever," letting it know it has no power over me and can sit there until April 24 (when I will eat chocolate until I am comatose. If my grave reads "Death By Chocolate" then I have led a rich and full life).
And then there are the Girl Scout Cookie Thin Mints in my freezer. I have been known to inhale a box of these puppies in one sitting, my belly aching afterwards and wondering why these evil little girls must raise money for their organization in the form of freakin' chocolate mint cookies. They are all so innocent in their, "Won't you buy a box to help us girls contribute to society, participate in wholesome activities, and ensure that we don't procreate at the age of 14 because we didn't get an abstinence badge?" Okay, that part I have no idea about, but you get the idea. You HAVE TO buy the cookies.
But they are sitting in my fridge, heckling me each time I reach for my veggie burger or frozen mango.
If only the frosting and Thin Mints knew how I could totally dip one into the other and show them who's really boss. They seriously have no idea of the chocoholic they are messing with. But my chocolate badass-ness will have to wait another 5 weeks.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Dover Dairy Open for Business. Sucks to Be Me.
In continuation of Monkey Man’s birthday WEEKEND, we took him for ice cream last night. Since I am on this ridiculous no-sugar experiment for 6 weeks, I went along to torture myself. I L-O-V-E ice cream and to go along for the ride and watch 2 people thoroughly enjoy the neighborhood ice cream joint's season opening is just masochistic.
When we pulled up, Hubby noticed the gigantic sign in the window that said, “Fat Free and Sugar Free Yogurt.” We halla-freakin-lujah! Someone give me a “Loophole Amen!” Clearly, the good Lord was intervening, showing pity on my sugarless soul. The loophole? No sugar, and some nutritional value – calcium and yogurt cultures. Of course, I would have to forfeit my chocolate sprinkles which are really the only reason people should eat ice cream. I have to say, though, I did struggle with the decision to get the yogurt even though it was fat free AND sugar free. Was this cheating? I finally decided that if it had no sugar, then it was okay. I ordered my naked yogurt in a cup (I’m also totally a cone girl, cups are pretty worthless). I also asked the ice cream girl for the nutrition information just out of curiosity.
I read it over, and I’m not sure if she gave me the wrong information, but this paper said “no sugar ADDED” and had 8 grams of sugar. SON OF A *$@&! I sat in the car with my stupid, sprinkle-less, cone-less yogurt and wept.
I brought it home, put it in the freezer and saved it for Monkey Man. Clearly, there is something wrong with me that I went as far as to purchase this “sugar-free” product then NOT EAT IT.
I prepared Monkey Man a treat tonight with my ice cream covered in chocolate syrup and crushed Thin Mint cookies. But I have to tell the truth – I took a few crumbs of the cookie. C’mon people, I have been looking at and touching sugary birthday delightfulness all week, it was just a few crumbs!
When we pulled up, Hubby noticed the gigantic sign in the window that said, “Fat Free and Sugar Free Yogurt.” We halla-freakin-lujah! Someone give me a “Loophole Amen!” Clearly, the good Lord was intervening, showing pity on my sugarless soul. The loophole? No sugar, and some nutritional value – calcium and yogurt cultures. Of course, I would have to forfeit my chocolate sprinkles which are really the only reason people should eat ice cream. I have to say, though, I did struggle with the decision to get the yogurt even though it was fat free AND sugar free. Was this cheating? I finally decided that if it had no sugar, then it was okay. I ordered my naked yogurt in a cup (I’m also totally a cone girl, cups are pretty worthless). I also asked the ice cream girl for the nutrition information just out of curiosity.
I read it over, and I’m not sure if she gave me the wrong information, but this paper said “no sugar ADDED” and had 8 grams of sugar. SON OF A *$@&! I sat in the car with my stupid, sprinkle-less, cone-less yogurt and wept.
I brought it home, put it in the freezer and saved it for Monkey Man. Clearly, there is something wrong with me that I went as far as to purchase this “sugar-free” product then NOT EAT IT.
I prepared Monkey Man a treat tonight with my ice cream covered in chocolate syrup and crushed Thin Mint cookies. But I have to tell the truth – I took a few crumbs of the cookie. C’mon people, I have been looking at and touching sugary birthday delightfulness all week, it was just a few crumbs!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
It Pays to Spring Forward!
Hubby and I are hoping that his genius, coupled with my monetary bribes, will get us some sleep tomorrow morning. As we all know (or maybe not, so you are finding out now) we have to turn the clocks ahead one hour tonight, so everyone loses an hour of sleep. For parents of children that think they are roosters and must wake up the whole freaking farm at the crack of dawn, daylight savings sucks.
Monkey Man has been getting up at about 6 a.m. every morning. He doesn’t care if it’s a school day or a weekend, he is up and at ‘em. His motto is that of a hardcore, 20-something rockstar, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” He’s got too much to accomplish in a day, why sleep away the hours that could be devoted to Wii Lego Batman, Spongebob, writing and illustrating books, playing basketball, jumping on the trampline, doing flips in the living room, and just generally exhausting his mother and father?
The past few weekends, I have offered to pay Monkey Man $1 if he lets us sleep in until 8 a.m. He will do anything for money – he is saving for an iTouch and a car (gotta give the kid some credit on the short and long-term financial goals – Suze Orman would be proud). Between his birthday, allowance and weekly extortion from his one set of grandparents (my sweet and growing ever-poorer parents) he is almost about to get an iTouch. He has wanted one for months now, and we refuse to buy him one. But if this is what he chooses to spend his hard-earned money on, then so be it.
Now we pair my bribery with Hubby’s sinister and truly brilliant plan to allow us to sleep in tomorrow morning. Hubby approached me after Monkey Man was safely into slumber and said, “Let’s not turn the clocks ahead tonight. We’ll wait until after Monkey Man wakes up. So when he gets up at his usual 6 a.m., it will really be 7 a.m. One of us will get up and get him breakfast, then we can sleep until the clock says 8:30, and it will really be 9:30!” He was practically peeing himself with glee and pride at this revelation.
If this works, we may never have a clock in this house that works again!
Monkey Man has been getting up at about 6 a.m. every morning. He doesn’t care if it’s a school day or a weekend, he is up and at ‘em. His motto is that of a hardcore, 20-something rockstar, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” He’s got too much to accomplish in a day, why sleep away the hours that could be devoted to Wii Lego Batman, Spongebob, writing and illustrating books, playing basketball, jumping on the trampline, doing flips in the living room, and just generally exhausting his mother and father?
The past few weekends, I have offered to pay Monkey Man $1 if he lets us sleep in until 8 a.m. He will do anything for money – he is saving for an iTouch and a car (gotta give the kid some credit on the short and long-term financial goals – Suze Orman would be proud). Between his birthday, allowance and weekly extortion from his one set of grandparents (my sweet and growing ever-poorer parents) he is almost about to get an iTouch. He has wanted one for months now, and we refuse to buy him one. But if this is what he chooses to spend his hard-earned money on, then so be it.
Now we pair my bribery with Hubby’s sinister and truly brilliant plan to allow us to sleep in tomorrow morning. Hubby approached me after Monkey Man was safely into slumber and said, “Let’s not turn the clocks ahead tonight. We’ll wait until after Monkey Man wakes up. So when he gets up at his usual 6 a.m., it will really be 7 a.m. One of us will get up and get him breakfast, then we can sleep until the clock says 8:30, and it will really be 9:30!” He was practically peeing himself with glee and pride at this revelation.
If this works, we may never have a clock in this house that works again!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Cupcakes and Frosting and Cookies Oh My!
I baked and frosted 24 cupcakes tonight to prepare for Monkey Man's 6th birthday extravaganza. I stuffed 17 goody bags with Oreos, Rice Krispie Treats, and Tootsie Rolls.
And I didn't eat one. I'm writing this while in the fetal position drooling, but nope, didn't touch one.
And I didn't eat one. I'm writing this while in the fetal position drooling, but nope, didn't touch one.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Victory is SWEET!
Yeah, so I totally made those cookies my bitch today. I was volunteering at Monkey Man's school, and I had some cutting and collating to do in the Faculty Room. And what does every Faculty Room in most towns in the U.S. have? Foods containing sugar. Cookies, cake, everything left over from last night's family birthday dinner that no one wants in their house.
There I sat. Two cartons of large Costco-type cookies in one corner (from where I sat, I believed them to be of the oatmeal raisin and sugar cookie variety, but I dared not go too close for fear that one might actually catapult its way into my unsuspecting mouth. They are not my favorite kinds, but who the hell cares? They were COOKIES!) And in the opposite corner - me and all my math copies. Those badass cookies had the advantage, simply because they were cookies. I had a thermos of Green Tea to quell my cravings. The odds were so stacked against me.
But for the next hour, I ignored their mockery. "C'mon, no one is in here. Just take a little bite. It won't even count! You know you're gonna cave before 6 weeks is up, anyway. Just do it!"
And my response? "Eat me."
Yeah, cuz that's how I roll when it comes to the Cookie Vs. Sugar(less) Mama showdown.
There I sat. Two cartons of large Costco-type cookies in one corner (from where I sat, I believed them to be of the oatmeal raisin and sugar cookie variety, but I dared not go too close for fear that one might actually catapult its way into my unsuspecting mouth. They are not my favorite kinds, but who the hell cares? They were COOKIES!) And in the opposite corner - me and all my math copies. Those badass cookies had the advantage, simply because they were cookies. I had a thermos of Green Tea to quell my cravings. The odds were so stacked against me.
But for the next hour, I ignored their mockery. "C'mon, no one is in here. Just take a little bite. It won't even count! You know you're gonna cave before 6 weeks is up, anyway. Just do it!"
And my response? "Eat me."
Yeah, cuz that's how I roll when it comes to the Cookie Vs. Sugar(less) Mama showdown.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I’m Your Sugar(less) Mama
Today started a 6 week adventure in which I will not eat sugar. Let me clarify – sugar in the form of cookies, ice cream, graham crackers, cake, POP EMS - aka “special treats” in our house. I will be eating fruit and veggies and I am allowing myself a Fiber 1 Oats & Chocolate bar if I am scratching my face and shaking with cold sweats from sugar withdrawal. Basically, the food has to have some kind of nutritional value. Fiber One Oats & Chocolate bars are pretty awesome and I’m 36 going on 37, so anything fiber has value in my world.
This sugar abstinence happens to be coinciding with Lent and giving something up, however, I am not particularly religious. I don’t feel like I HAVE to sacrifice something. Many people also try to do something good for each day of Lent. Because of this, I will write SOMETHING on my blog every day for 40 days. This could go in either direction – either I’ll get some really awesome posts from writing so much, or my brain will be dead from lack of sugar and ideas and my blog will self-combust. Hopefully it’ll be funny either way. There is a good chance at some point I might be writing about hallucinogenic conversations I’m having with Pop ‘Ems. I just don’t know what sugar withdrawal will bring. It’s all so exciting to wonder what kind of a cranky bitch I might turn into.
What I do know is that at the end of Day 1, I’m in bed at a safe distance from the Tootsie Rolls, Golden Oreos, and Rice Krispie Treats that are waiting to get stuffed into Monkey Man’s birthday party goody bags. And my dad brought over some mini Oreos for Monkey Man that I am fairly certain are whispering my name.
And on that note, Good Night, Day 1 and sweet dreams of carrots, apples and the oh so naughty Fiber One bar.
This sugar abstinence happens to be coinciding with Lent and giving something up, however, I am not particularly religious. I don’t feel like I HAVE to sacrifice something. Many people also try to do something good for each day of Lent. Because of this, I will write SOMETHING on my blog every day for 40 days. This could go in either direction – either I’ll get some really awesome posts from writing so much, or my brain will be dead from lack of sugar and ideas and my blog will self-combust. Hopefully it’ll be funny either way. There is a good chance at some point I might be writing about hallucinogenic conversations I’m having with Pop ‘Ems. I just don’t know what sugar withdrawal will bring. It’s all so exciting to wonder what kind of a cranky bitch I might turn into.
What I do know is that at the end of Day 1, I’m in bed at a safe distance from the Tootsie Rolls, Golden Oreos, and Rice Krispie Treats that are waiting to get stuffed into Monkey Man’s birthday party goody bags. And my dad brought over some mini Oreos for Monkey Man that I am fairly certain are whispering my name.
And on that note, Good Night, Day 1 and sweet dreams of carrots, apples and the oh so naughty Fiber One bar.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Peeing, Pooping, & Poppy Love
While I was cleaning up after dinner tonight, my dad was sitting in the living room waiting ever so anxiously to continue his pre-dinner game of Lego Star Wars with Monkey Man. No sarcasm there. Although my dad is 1,000 times more patient than me, he, too, has no clue how to play, but that man will play all day with Monkey Man. Me? After 3 minutes, I head off to do the laundry. Or some other mundane task that is still way more exciting than Lego Star Wars/Indiana Jones/Batman.
Where was I? Oh, Monkey Man announced that he was going to the bathroom. He always feels the need to contact the media, let the neighbors know, and call his grandparents when he needs to pee. Or poop. He's going on 6 and I really think sometimes he still expects a prize from the potty training prize bag.
While in the bathroom, he yelled out, "Poppy, I love playing with you." My dad responded, "I love playing with you, too."
"Poppy, I love you," Monkey Man yelled mid-pee.
"I love you,too," Poppy responded. Then said, "You're some kid!"
Monkey Man yelled, "Thanks!"
A 73 year-old man and an almost 6 year-old boy - Grandfather and Grandson, and best friends.
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