Au Natural

I don’t intend to use my blog as a soapbox, but here I am. Standing up on my shiny, silver box. With pretty, sparkly rhinestones. I’m not really a glam and glitter kind of girl, but this seems to be the way I imagine my soapbox to look.

Natural childbirth is the topic. And here we go…

Natural childbirth IS NOT birth without the use of medication. Natural childbirth is a birth that occurs naturally, i.e. unlike a scene from Aliens. That thing coming out of Sigourney Weaver’s stomach was not natural.

Quick bio lesson for those of you that missed Sex Ed your senior year in high school when it was the most effective. You know, teach those kids at 17 just as they are starting to learn that boys have penises and girls have vaginas. There are 2 kinds of natural childbirth – vaginal and cesarean section – to put it simply, all birth is natural. It's just birth. Whether the baby emerges from the cooch or via an incision in momma’s belly, it is birth. If the baby pushed its pretty little watermelon-esque head out of mommy while mommy couldn’t feel her lower extremities because of the sweet, tingly liquid goodness that is the epidural, doesn’t matter. It’s birth, and it's all natural.

Here's a comparison: When visiting the dentist for some work that requires novacaine or a little happy gas, does one tell their friends, "I'm having some natural dental work done today. Gonna try it the old torturous, medieval way. I'd like to see how that feels." Don't be surprised if she yells out in the dentist's chair, "Thank you, ma'am, may I have another?!" while all dolled up in a black latex catsuit.

The next time you are casually chatting with another mom – especially a mom that you really don’t know too well – do not ask her, “So, did you have a natural childbirth?” Because that’s a stupid, dumbass, and let me add the ever-eloquent word jerky question. And if you do ask, be prepared to get whooped with a good ol’ open-handed swing. That's the natural response.