Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Status Quo?

Disclaimer: If you read this, don’t worry.  I am not talking about you.

Before you type in your next Facebook status, just know that we are on to you.  Because what you think you are presenting to us and what we hear are two very different things.    

Following are various status updates, their translations, and insightful observations about the status.  It’s a simple reference in case you are tempted to use any of these or their variations. 

First, a helpful key to guide you:  
Status - What the person projects to the world, wants others to think and believe, whether true or not
Translation - What the readers hear
Keen observation - The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Status: “Played Monopoly with the kids, baked cookies and now it’s Family Movie Night!  Nothing like cuddling with my kids on a Saturday night.”
Translation: I want everyone to know what an awesome mom I am.  Or that I was awesome for three hours today when I stopped playing Farmville and paid attention to my kids.
Keen Observation: Wow, girlfriend.  I remember when there was nothing like cuddling with that guy you hooked up with in Hoboken on a Saturday night. 

Status: “Hubby just gave me a Louis Vuitton bag!  And peep-toe Louboutins! I am the luckiest girl in the world.”
Translation: Look everyone!  My husband buys me things. Expensive things.  I’m pretty sure he’s cheating on me, but at least I have a new Louie bag and Louboutins.
Keen Observation:  You’re husband is totally cheating on you.  With his boyfriend.  What straight guy knows to buy his woman the two Lous?

Status: “I love living in Hawaii. There is nothing like starting the day with a jog on the beach while watching the dolphins in the water.  Life is Good!”
Translation: Sucka! 
Keen Observation: Alright, Miss Rosie Rub It In.  Good for you.  Hope a shark doesn’t eat you while you are paddleboarding. 

Status: “After months of careful consideration, I have decided that I am getting my tubes tied.  My family of 4 is now complete.” 
Translation: I have a weird need to tell everyone my really, really personal business.
Keen Observation: Your family of 4 is not giving you enough attention.  Maybe you should reconsider and go for baby #3. At least when the little one is suckling your boob, you'll get some attention.

Status: “Just booked our summer house.  Now off to pick up our new Benz at the dealership.”
Translation: We are in massive credit card debt, but at least my friends think I’m rich.
Keen Observation: You are a pretentious jerk.  But let me know when your house goes into foreclosure, I might know a buyer.

Status: “Dinner with my besties!  My besties are the best besties ever!”
Translation: Hey, everyone, I have friends!  And I talk like I am 6 years-old! And I end every sentence with an exclamation mark!
Keen Observation: I have never seen more women with so many best friends since the dawning of Facebook.

Status: “Just put the kids on the bus.  Drinking my cup of joe in a quiet house getting ready to go to the gym. Then it’s off to lunch with a friend and maybe a nap afterwards.”
Translation: Jealous?  I don’t have a job.  My kids are all in school.  My husband is at work.  And I am so bored.
Keen observation:  WTF?  Yeah, I am a little jealous of all that free time.  But, c’mon!  Get a job, go volunteer, get a hobby.  And by hobby, I don’t mean sleeping with your personal trainer every Wednesday and Friday.

Status: “Work all day then grocery shopping.  Oh, then I have to pick up a prescription for this hacking cough I’ve had for 3 weeks.  Making fire-grilled shrimp with honeydew gazpacho for dinner tonight.  Then I’m relaxing and watching The Office and Parks & Rec.  I will be in bed by 10.  Yawn.”
Translation: My life is average, but by throwing in that tasty dinner, I want you to think that at least I am an amazing cook. 
Keen observation: You got that right with the yawn part.  And there cannot be such a thing as honeydew gazpacho.  Oh, and WHO CARES?

Status: “I was going to wait for the kids to go to bed, but I’m thinking it’s Wine o’ clock NOW!”
Translation: I cannot function without alcohol.
Keen observation: Get help.  You cannot function without alcohol.

Status: “Is it summer vacation ALREADY?  Two months home with these kids might drive me crazy.”
Translation: Well, there go my days of pedicures, lunch with my besties, and hitting the gym in the middle of the day.  Guess I’ll have to drag these kids grocery shopping now.
Keen observation: See #7 – Haha!  They’re baaaack! Now that the little cherubs are home messing up your mojo we are sure we will see you at the local park or town pool, heavily engaged in titillating conversation with other moms about other moms.  And I’m going to guess your kid is the one that just kicked the other one down the slide.  But you wouldn’t know as you are that mom feverishly texting on that bench over there.    

Status: “Joey puked all over his bed last night.  Hubby’s staying home with him, but I have to work.  I’m exhausted and have to teach a roomful of 8 year-olds. Being a mom is hard!”
Translation: Being a mom is hard.
Keen observation: Keeping it real, sista. Thank you.