Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Eve Checklist

1. Set out cookies and milk for Santa - DONE
2. Sprinkle reindeer food on front porch and down driveway - DONE
3. Hang special Santa Key on front door so the big guy can get in tonight - DONE
4. Tell Monkey Man The Christmas Story - DONE
5. Read, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" - DONE
6. Tuck a very excited 3 year-old snugly into bed and remind him to stay in bed until the sun is shining - DONE
7. Finish wrapping gifts and remember being a kid anxiously awaiting Santa's arrival - DONE
8. Eat cookies and drink milk set out for Santa - DONE
9. Eat extra cookies not set out for Santa - DONE
10. Go to bed, almost as excited as the little man in this house for Christmas Morning - ON MY WAY!

Merry Christmas to All!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Chia Goes Christmas Shopping

Chia is feeling a little stressed about having just one day left of shopping, but he took a little time out during his trip to the local mall to take some photos. Chia's first stop was to visit Santa, but sadly, Santa's Elves were Grinches and wouldn't let Chia take his picture with Santa. Chia accepted the rejection and continued on, full of Christmas Spirit, and hit some other popular spots at the mall.


I guess the next best thing to getting your picture with Santa is a picture with one of Santa's statue elves.

Chia sure is friendly! He had his picture taken with these two complete strangers.

Chia took a little break in the mall play area. And yes, Chia, you are special.

Chia needed a little pick-me-up to get his shopping started.

Although Chia doesn't eat meat, he wanted to stop for a photo op with Ronald. Could you resist sitting on a creepy clown's lap? Clearly, Chia has problems.

Chia, glamming it up - he won't tell me for whom he picked this special hat.

Chia's short little legs had some trouble taking the stairs, so he opted for the escalator.

Silly Chia! He's in there hiding. Can you find him?

Ahhh! Time to relax after a long day of shopping. Chia kicked up his feet and got a $5 massage.

Chia will return after the New Year with another adventure. Where will Chia go next? I know, but can you guess?

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Merry Christmas from Rick Springfield, JibJab and Friends!

Somehow, amidst the 9 bajillion things I SHOULD BE doing, I found the time to crack myself up with this holiday greeting. This might be Rick Springfield's greatest music video yet - starring me, Rick, and the Rick Virgin!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/xfDXghD5dqwjl1kqqgea

We're in Negotiations

This conversation took place at 9:20 a.m. today. For me, it's never too early for sugar, but I try to be a hypocrite with Monkey Man.

Monkey Man: I would like 5 marshmallows.
Me: You're not eating marshmallows now. You can have some after lunch.
Monkey Man: I would like 3 marshmallows.
Me: You can have some marshmallows after lunch.
Monkey Man: I WOULD LIKE ONE MARSHMALLOW!

This child has the negotiating skills of someone in the FBI, or his father. And since 1 is better than 5, and I would like some peace in this here most peaceful of seasons, I calmly walked to the pantry, took out a marshmallow and gave in, yet again, to my 42 inch boss.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Cha cha cha…CHIA!


For the first time in my life, I am the owner of a Chia Pet. How did I acquire such an extravagant accessory for my home? I was the lucky one to pick it, disguised in a beautiful holiday bag, at my Moms Club White Elephant gift exchange last week. My luck was insane that night – I should have played the lottery.

You will be shocked to learn that NOT ONE person tried to steal my Chia Pet. My original pick was the Sex and the City DVD and that got stolen. Other stolen gifts included Dunkin Donuts gift cards, a fleece Mickey Mouse blanket. But my Chia? Nope. It remained all mine. I hope 2009 is as lucky for me as the end of 2008 is rounding out to be.

I can’t just keep Chia on my kitchen counter, though. So, I’ve decided to take Chia out and about. See the sights. Get some culture. And so begins my new series, “Where in the World is Chia?”

Visit often to discover Chia’s wild adventures!

Please note: The above photo is not the actual box. I do have a Chia Hippo, but I did not get a Chia Alarm Clock Bonus Gift. I got Chia Playing cards.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I’m Dreaming of a Chocolate Christmas

The Advent Calendar is a huge hit in our house. Not only does it reinforce number recognition for Monkey Man (contrary to what this blog might sometimes otherwise reflect, I try really hard to be a good mom and teach him things – Noggin doesn’t know everything), but it also provides chocolate. Everyday. I’m such a good mom that I let Monkey Man have the chocolate, I don’t even beg him for it. Mom of the Year Award goes to me. Thank you!

So every morning, I round up the children (Monkey Man, husband, and Walt – the dog) and we retell the Christmas story. The one where the Wise Men bring chocolate to Baby Jesus. You know that one, right? Actually, it’s the story of how every day that we open one of the little paper doors we get just a little closer to PRESENTS! SANTA! SANTA bringing me PRESENTS! Sorry, that was Monkey Man. He just jumped on my lap and started typing.

Hubby and I do actually talk to Monkey Man about Christmas and it's meaning. Of course, he’s 3, so the gift thing is outweighing the birth of our Savior thing right now. And the chocolate? Well, that’s running a close second to the presents. So much so, that the other morning Monkey Man asked me:
"When are we going to open the chocolate calendar?”

Spanish 101

Monkey Man: Wowee-kazowee!

Hubby: Wowee-kazowee! What does that mean?

Monkey Man: It means Hello in Spanish.

What a waste. All those hours of Noggin and obviously Dora and Diego aren’t quite doing their jobs.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

You'll Never Guess What Hit My Car

Upon leaving a perfectly peaceful trip to the library today, I was met by some sort of UFO hurling towards my car. After buckling up Monkey Man, I began to get out of the backseat to make my way to the front when I looked out the back window and saw a small, silver disk barreling its way to my window. CRACK! “What the *&$# was that?” I said in my head, or maybe not in my head, but since Monkey Man was in the car, we’ll pretend it was all said internally.

I got out of the car and a man approached me. I was in the parking lot of a suburban library at 4 p.m., so I wasn’t really expecting any trouble. “Sorry, ma’am, that was me. I was throwing my stale Peppermint Pattie into the woods and it hit your car.” So it did, genius.

I have two simple questions:

1. Why are you throwing a wrapped Peppermint Pattie into the woods – the candy might be biodegradable but the shiny outside wrapping most certainly is not.

And the 2nd and more important question:
2. Stale or not - WHY ARE YOU THROWING OUT CHOCOLATE???

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Letter to Santa

Like good personal assistants, my husband and I took dictation while our CEO, Monkey Man, told us what to write in his letter to Santa. Our town has a mailbox in which to mail letters to jolly ol' St. Nick, and then he writes back and the children go WILD!


December 7, 2008

Dear Santa,

I would like Star Wars toys. Please bring me a big Millenium Falcon.

I’m trying to be a big boy and a good boy.

Thank you for bringing me a present on Jesus’ birthday.

I would also like an Indiana Jones rope at Poppy and Aga’s house. If you visit me at Grandma and Papa’s, can you bring me a General Grievous spaceship?

Could you bring another boy or girl who doesn’t have a mommy or daddy who can get a present a Star Wars toy?

Thank you!
Love, Monkey Man

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Reason for the Season

'Tis the season for caroling, gift giving, watching Christmas Vacation twice per week, and the reason choirs of angels sing - Entenmann's Holiday Pop 'ems.

I could very well eat a box, in one sitting, of these little chocolate angels coated in festive holiday colored sprinkles. Honestly, I could eat anything covered in sprinkles.

I am certain that Pop 'ems were served upon the announcement of Jesus' birth. "Attention, we have the arrival of the newborn King. Pop 'ems will be served to honor this most momentous occasion." As Mary and Joseph sat with the tiny Savior, the 4th Wise Man who is never talked about, presented the infant with chocolate Pop 'ems. Sure, we hear about the gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Maybe Pop 'ems were left out because of some kind of corporate policy, like Entenmann's didn't pay enough to get on the roster of Wise Men gifts.

Holiday Pop 'ems are sold for a few other holidays, too. Halloween brings us orange and black sprinkles, St. Patrick's Day brings us green and white sprinkles, and the 4th of July gives us the ever patriotic red, white and blue Pop 'em. It's a good thing they are only around about 4 times a year because I have absolutely no restraint when it comes to a festive, sprinkle-covered Holiday Pop 'em.

And when that time of the year comes, it sneaks up on me, surprises me. My last box was during Halloween. Upon traveling past the snack aisle at Target yesterday, the light blue box with the snowdrift, indicating the holidays, caught my eye. My heart raced. A quick mental calendar calculation confirmed that yes, it was once again time for Pop 'ems! "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I give thanks for that face, those cheeks, those thighs, that smile, and the fact that almost 3 years later, I haven't committed myself to some kind of mental health institution due to newborn sleep deprivation, toddlerhood, and the current and much acclaimed independent-seeking preschool years. Monkey Man, you've rocked my world. And for that, I give thanks.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Yoda’s Life Lessons

Monkey Man’s Great Grandma passed away two weeks ago. Great Grandma is my husband’s grandmother, and she moved near us to an assisted living facility when Monkey Man was 7 months-old, just over 3 years ago. She is a wonderful woman - always kind to everyone whether you were her family, friend, or a complete stranger. She had a huge heart full of love, hugs, and kisses. To top it off, she had a great sense of humor, another great trait which I admire.

Since the day she moved in to her new home, New Seasons, my husband took Monkey Man to visit Great Grandma every week, sometimes 2 days a week. Monkey Man became the Norm of New Seasons. Everyone knew his name. Well, they remembered on most days. It was a home with older folks, after all. But I’m no one to talk. I’m going to need to do a lot of crossword puzzles at the rate I’m going.

Great Grandma had Alzheimer’s Disease and her health was getting worse in September and October. Towards the end of October, when hospice knew that Great Grandma might not have much longer to be with us, we explained to Monkey Man that Great Grandma would be going to Heaven soon. His response?

“Like Yoda in Return of the Jedi?”

Great Grandma – We love you, and may the Force be with you.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Our Preschool Philanthropist

On our way to Panera last night, hubby began explaining to Monkey Man that pretty soon we would buy gifts for children that may not get gifts for Christmas. He explained that some children do not have mommies and daddies or some mommies and daddies do not have enough money to buy their families extra things. Hubby told Monkey Man that our family would help buy presents for some children so that they, too, could get gifts for Christmas.

Monkey Man engaged in the conversation, saying that he wanted to buy the kids presents and pick out what they might like. He asked why some kids don't have mommies and daddies and why some people don't have enough money.

Hubby began explaining then Monkey Man interrupted. Not with another heartfelt inquiry, but rather an urgent question: "Can I have bread with my dinner?" Conversation came to a screeching halt, hubby and I looked at each other and laughed and realized that, in fact, we were speaking to a 3 year-old child. A 3 year-old with a serious carb addiction.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Kicking Off Christmas Season Wal-Mart Style

It became apparent tonight that my college education did not prepare me for the self-scanning line at Wal-Mart.

First, I must apologize to Target for cheating on it. I don’t even like Wal-Mart. I just went there for a change of scenery because I’ve memorized Target’s every picture frame, piece of workout wear, preschool t-shirt and Star Wars toy. Well, that and I already visited Target this morning.

I went to Wal-Mart to get some outdoor Christmas lights, garland, and wreaths. I live in the same neighborhood as Clark Griswold, and all the neighbors try to keep up. It’s quite festive, but incredibly stressful. I’m happy with a few strands of lights swagged on my picket fence, but this year I’m feeling like I should step it up. I’ve already killed the landscaping (read: the tallest purple plants you’ve ever seen, purple mums, purple bushes – just purple flora everywhere) that I inherited when we purchased this house 18 months ago. It seems that everyone in this neighborhood loved the Botanical Gardens and when running into neighbors, they’ve taken the opportunity to tell me so. I need to redeem myself.

Anyway, I brought my holiday lighting purchases to the self-checkout to save some time. I live in New Jersey, so in addition to feeling the need to rush through the 16-18 hours that I’m awake, I figured I could also save myself the hassle of not being spoken to by the cashier. Cashiers in these parts communicate telepathically. It’s quite amazing and ridiculously rude.

I scanned my first item. Success. I only had about 10 more to go. On the second item, it told me to remove the item from the bagging area. The genius computer did not see that I had already accomplished this task. But it was insistent that I needed to do this, and it would not let me proceed. I guess my computer sent a message to its boss, the Self-Scanning Manager, and she promptly came over to check out the problem. I love how stores have figured out how to cut down on the human workforce by letting computers do the work. And in doing so, they drive one human being crazy by empowering her to cover about 5 self-checkouts, all of which have some kind of error.

The line of 20 people behind me was about to wrap my pre-lit outdoor garland around my neck, plug it in, and watch me glow. I politely told the person behind me to suck it. Actually, I’m a little classier than the average Jersey girl, and I told the woman behind me that she might want to forgo the self-checkout and stare blankly at one of the homo-sapiens donning a blue apron. She smirked and looked like she wanted to kick my ass. I threw her a newly purchased holiday- wrapped Hershey Kiss and wished her a politically correct, generic, “Season’s Greetings!”

Monday, November 10, 2008

Charmer and Heart-Warmer

I attended a sorority reunion on Friday night. Thanks to the wonderfully addicting and time-wasting invention we call Facebook, we realized that many of us live in the same area. It was a great night of catching up and reminiscing. A few even flew in from Puerto Rico and Missouri!

Thanks (big thanks!) to my husband, I enjoy many nights out. I work out several nights a week and do enjoy girls' nights out pretty frequently. I guess, though, Monkey Man is mostly used to seeing me when I leave for the gym at night, right before his bedtime. Hair in ponytail, no makeup, and some kind of outfit that will undoubtedly get disgustingly wet from the gallons of sweat as a result of the Boot Camp classes that I take.

On Saturday morning, Monkey Man sat on my lap as I looked at a few of the photos posted, on Facebook, of course, from the reunion the night before. His reaction seeing me in something other than shorts, sneakers and a t-shirt?

"Is that when you went out to dinner? You were looking so beautiful."

Looks like he's good to stay for at least another few months.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Political Commentary by Monkey Man

In the spirit of Election Day, I dressed Monkey Man in red, white, and blue. While dressing him this morning, hubby and I said, "Do you know why we are dressing you in red, white, and blue? It's because it's Election Day. It's the day we vote for a new president." And I added, Thank God.

Hubby said, "Do you know the only good thing that happened during the Bush Administration? You were born."

Monkey Man giggled, and one would think he didn't understand what we were talking about. But his reply told us differently, "Bushawalawala."

And there you have it folks. 8 years summed up by a 3 year-old. Baby talk and nonsense.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

November 1


Yes, that’s the date for those of you who might not own a calendar or work from home, as I once did, and have no idea what day of the week it is. And it’s duly noted that I only wrote 1 post in October, with which I am not very happy, but life has been happening around here at an alarming speed and with the invention of Facebook, I can’t keep up. However, November will be better for blogging. Much better. It is on my List of Things To Do, and God knows, if it’s on my List, I will check it off. Because if there’s one thing I cannot and will not tolerate, it’s unchecked To-Do Lists.

So, since it’s November 1, we can logically deduce that yesterday was Halloween. Monkey Man had a Star Wars-rockin’ good time - and Mommy and Daddy had almost as much fun watching him! Our sweet Darth Vader went trick or treating with some friends, who coincidentally were Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker. And these 3 year-olds and almost 5 years-old kids were the most polite you ever did see – every neighbor heard a choral “Trick or Treat!” and the all important response, “Thank you!” Mamas and Papas were so proud! Of course, I did tell Monkey Man that if I didn’t hear thank you that I would eat all of his candy. And he knows how mommy loves the chocolate.

While I’m on the topic of politeness of our children on Halloween, I must comment on the rudeness of some – and not small children, but big children who know better. The point of the Trick or Treating candy-gathering ritual is to SAY TRICK OR TREAT. Not to stand at my door and stare at me. I get enough of that in my day-to-day life. Then, when I do drop the small pieces of Heaven, aka chocolate, into your bucket, bag, pillowcase - SAY THANK YOU. I know when someone gives me chocolate, I hug them and send them flowers, but I don’t expect that from the 800 people who visited last night (I kid you not, we get approximately 800 kids).

And, for you adults who like to get into the spirit and dress up, that is awesome. I love Halloween, too. I love to don a costume on All Hallows Eve. But I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, collect candy. I stand on the sidewalk and watch as MY CHILD COLLECTS CANDY. I had 2 adults - parents of children - stand in front of me as I skipped their bags (because, REALLY? You really want me to give you candy?) say to me, “Hey, what about me?” What about you? This day is for your kids. Go steal their candy when they go to sleep like the rest of us normal adults.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Seriously? Really?

The economy sucks right now. Dads and moms are losing their jobs. People have cancer - people like moms with small children. I personally know families who have been hit hard by both of the above.

Apparently, there are much bigger problems in the world. One such problem that you will probably gasp in horror about. I met a woman yesterday who is remodeling her kitchen. And this is what she said, "I don't have a kitchen now. It's horrible."

I'm happy for her that her kitchen woes are her biggest problem right now. I certainly don't want everyone to be walking around afflicted by the bad news that seems to be swirling around these parts lately. But horrible? Seriously? Really?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Is That Your Tongue?

Never in my LIFE did I think Rick Springfield would say those words to me. And it's not some bad dream scene like from the opening of this season's Grey's. I was awake and fully functioning. Let me explain before you think I've gone all hoochie-mama on you.

I drove to Virginia Beach with the Rick Virgin (who SO has lost that name, but I need a new one, so that's it for now) to see Rick's concert. It was a girls' weekend (was it EVER!) and we booked our room at the Westin, right across the street from the concert venue. We knew there was a very good chance that Rick would be staying there, too. And thank the Good Lord Above, BINGO. Although the Pennsylvania Disaster of 2005 still rips at my heart, this SO TOTALLY MADE UP FOR IT. Because even though I can (and do) act like a jackass in front of my husband, I probably would not have taken it quite so far as I did with the Rick Virgin.

The concert was great. The Rick Virgin got her Working Class Dog album signed, I got my Success Hasn't Spoiled Me Yet album signed. We sang, we danced, we laughed. But after the show...

We went back to the hotel and hung out in the lobby. We knew at this point that Rick was staying at our hotel, so barring the sky falling or the Earth opening and sucking me up whole, I was not moving my Rick-loving butt from that lobby. He made a quick entry in then went on the elevator. We figured he'd come back down to hang out, as he's done at other shows (that I've only heard about because until this time, I didn't have the luck to be there). And come back down he did, just as I was talking to my husband on the phone. Then I promptly HUNG UP ON MY HUSBAND because HOLY &*%# - Rick Springfield is now 10 feet from me and I’m about to hang out with him!

I will now give you the progression of the evening and my interactions with Rick:

1st interaction - "Excuse me, Rick, I just hung up on my husband when you walked in here - can I get a picture with you?" He laughed and happily obliged - this was a polite exchange. I then asked, "Can I give you a kiss on the cheek?" I planted my lips on his cheek and he said, "Is that your tongue?" Silly Rick. I wish.

2nd interaction - So I have 2 albums and 1 CD signed by this guy, now what? My jeans! "Rick, can you sign my jeans?" His reply? "Are you going to take them off?" My reply, "Come to room ###." Don't worry, people. My husband knows about this. All in good fun. All in good fun. I then asked him, "Butt or thigh?" Rick responded, laughing, "Your choice!" I smiled and said, “Butt!” then happily gave him my right cheek to sign away on. I now have the most awesome designer jeans EVER.

3rd interaction - I realized that I have pics with Rick, Rick Virgin has pics with Rick, but we don't have any TOGETHER. Back to the bar we headed and I asked Rick for a threesome. Take your mind out of the gutter, readers. We are happily married women. That's 3 of us in the picture. He enjoyed my phrase. We got one very nice photo of the 3 of us, then we asked to give him a kiss on the cheek. His response? "You guys are cute!" How I am not dead at this point is beyond me.

4th interaction - Rick Virgin and I laughed earlier in the day that it could be dangerous for the 2 of us to be left unsupervised all weekend and that we could come home with tattoos. I had the idea to get a Rick tattoo - a Sharpie tattoo done by Rick himself! Back to the bar (in between all these interactions, we would go to the lobby, hang out and laugh) for what is probably the best one yet.

"Rick, can you give us a tattoo? Can you write R I on me and C K on my friend?” He laughed again, and said he wasn’t sure how to do that because that’s not how he signs his name. I explained to him that we just wanted the letters so when we stood together we could spell his name. I’m guessing this was a first for him based on his reaction and almost inability to simply write letters from the alphabet, but we all had a good laugh and got a great picture afterwards of our “tattoos!” When I told my husband, he asked if we got the picture of our lower backs (yes, it's a "tramp stamp!") WITH RICK. UGH! No, I didn’t think of that!

Final interaction – Rick Virgin and I were sitting in the lobby enjoying the scene and cracking up about the evening’s events. Rick walked out of the bar and through the lobby right past us. The Rick Virgin and I said, “Good Night, Rick!” He looked at us and smiled. Then he turned back again. Because he THINKS WE’RE CUTE.

Rick Springfield Touched My Butt

More on that in a post coming very soon, but for now, here are some pictures from my fabulous night after his concert in Virginia Beach.


I Can't Bear It


During our trip to Disney World in December, we went to the Hoop-Dee-Doo Musical Revue Dinner Show at Fort Wilderness. If you want an uninterrupted dinner, BRING YOUR CHILD HERE. Monkey Man sat for almost 2 hours and was completely entertained by the singing, dancing, and antics of the Pioneer Hall Players. I've been going to this show since 1978 and I still laugh at the same stupid jokes. That says a lot for me.

This might have been my 9 bajillionth time, but this was Monkey Man's first. He noticed the bear skin on the wall. He noticed the bottom of the bear skin on the wall, the tail. And his observation sparked this remark, said loudly enough for our table of 11 to hear, plus every table that surrounded us:

"Hey, Mommy, that's the bear's penis!"

Monday, September 22, 2008

It's Been 18 Years

Where will I be at this time tomorrow night? Rockin' at the Izod Center at the NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK concert! Funny that a few casual adult conversations through the years with my best friends/fellow New Kids fans that started, "Wouldn't it be so much fun if they reunited and toured! We are definitely going to go to a concert if they ever tour. Do you think they will?" has now become reality. I'm a little overwhelmed. I think I might cry when they hit the stage. If I faint, I am now requesting that Jon Knight give me mouth-to-mouth. Or Rick Springfield, if he happens to be at the concert.

In celebration, I am bringing along some old school treasures. I just came down from my attic where I retrieved 4 extra-large buttons, a banner, and 4 stickers from a Giants Stadium concert in July 1990. I plan to distribute my mementos to my 3 friends, who shall remain nameless because I'm not sure if they are as unashamedly outspoken about their former passion for the New Kids. I, on the other hand, don't care, as you may very well know if you read this blog. I don't care that people know that some part of my brain thinks it's 14. And it has a very good time, thank you very much. That's also the part that doesn't balance the checkbook, unfortunately.

Jon, Jordan, Joey, Danny, and Donnie - You are going to make a bunch of 30-something year-old women very happy tomorrow night. Just please end the concert by about 10:30. I have a kid now. And a job.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

May the Force Pee with You

Monkey Man is ALL ABOUT Star Wars these days, and let me tell you, hubby is dee-lighted. It all started in Disney World last month when hubby took him on Star Tours at Hollywood Studios (formerly MGM, formerly Disney Studios - they need to make up their minds about this park's name). Anyway, I was relieved that hubby finally had a partner for this stomach-turning ride, because my days were done.

Monkey Man came off the ride and was an instant Star Wars fan. And since Disney dumps you off into a store after every ride, hubby just HAD TO buy Monkey Man a set of Star Wars figures, at full Disney cost (read: $10 more than you'll find them anywhere else in the free world).

In addition to figures, we now own 3 light sabers. Just one month after the obsession began, I have 3 of these things in my house. So between light sabers and figures with lasers, Monkey Man enjoys the occasional laser battle. And this is what we heard the other night while Monkey Man stood before the Porcelain Throne before bed:

"Daddy, I'm shooting all the bubbles with my pee pee laser."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Freedom! Um, I Mean, First Day of Preschool!



Monkey Man officially started preschool today. I say officially because today I had to drop him off at the classroom. Yesterday, the parents were invited to stay. So yesterday, Monkey Man wanted to go to school because, hey, Mom and Dad were there, too! He wanted to meet his teacher! He wanted to see some old friends and meet some new friends! Today, sans Mom and Dad, he wanted none of it.

Today was exactly what I expected, but it still felt like someone was reaching into my body and ripping out my heart. All morning, Monkey Man told me he didn’t want to go to school. “I don’t want to see my teacher. I don’t want to see my friends.” I was cheerful and encouraging, even when I wanted to say, “Listen, buddy, you have like 19 years of this ahead of you, and that’s just through undergrad. Unless, of course, the Major Leagues snatch you up and you set Mommy up in a nice little retirement village in Hawaii.”

As soon as we got in the car, the tears started. On both of us. I didn’t let him see me cry, but I just felt so badly for the kid. I remember that feeling of leaving mommy and wondering, is she really going to come back for me? Is that teacher going to turn into a mean ogre? Are the kids going to be my friends or am I going to play alone? Ugh. So he cried and cried and his teacher came and brought him into the classroom. Door shut. I bawled. They might as well have ripped the child from my womb. That poor pathetic face was peering over his teacher’s shoulder looking at me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I had to follow the rules and just let him go. So I did.

Then I went to Target for 1 HOUR BY MYSELF! I got over it pretty quickly. And apparently so did Monkey Man. Upon my return, he bounded out the door with a smile across his face and showed me a smiley face sticker he got from his teacher. And what did he sing up the stairs on the way out the door? “I love school, I love school.” Me, too, if it means solitary Target trips.

(Photos were taken on the day when parents could come to preschool. That's why he's smiling. On the first "real" day, picture him looking just as handsome only with gigantic tears running down his face.)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Monkey Man’s Random Thoughts

Heard in the backseat while driving home today from the park:

Monkey Man: “Mommy, why doesn’t Wonder Woman wear pants?”

Me: “Maybe because the economy for Superheroes is just as bad as ours and she can’t afford pants because it costs her $120 a week to fill her tank? Just a guess.”

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Home Ownership is Overrated

Innocent and sincere Monkey Man thought his Mommy and Daddy were up until the wee hours last night painting our family room ceiling. When he woke up this morning and began his journey to assume his usual morning position on the family room couch, he looked up at the ceiling and saw a lovely, earthy tone of crap brown.

“Daddy, did you paint the ceiling last night?”

“Why, no, Monkey Man. That is just the innards of our toilet seeping through our ceiling.”

And so begins a home improvement project that we never planned on. Let me apologize now, because if I know you and you are having some kind of birthday party or other function in the next few months that requires a gift, sorry, but that gift is literally in the shitter.

I love home improvement – I like the end result when my house looks neat and pretty and clean. But there is no joy in the end product of a new toilet and new sheet rock on a ceiling. A new floor in that same family room was going to give me such joy and less anxiety about the amount of dog hair being trapped in the only remaining carpet in this house. Maybe you remember that carpet from an earlier post – the one that our dog Walt decided to release his bowels on a few months ago. Yeah, just when I was ready to call Lowe’s and order the new hardwood floor, the economy decided to come knocking on our door and slap us across the face. So in addition to having a disgusting floor, we have a ceiling to match.

And so I will end this post in my not so usual way – looking at the bright side. At least I have a ceiling over my head and a carpet on which to lay my head to rest. Oh, that’s a bunch of BS. Damn you, overflowing toilet and potentially mold-ridden ceiling. I WANT A NEW FLOOR!


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Facebook

This is why I haven't written a post in a while. Facebook IMing. Following are 2 conversations with the same friend. A therapist could probably spend weeks analyzing this.

August 22, 2008

10:05pm Me - My brother-in-law owned the ice cream store in the mall so I started working there in high school and ended my ice cream scooping career when he sold it in college.
10:06pm Friend - Too bad. I could use some ice cream. Although, I have consumed 12,000 calories since 7 p.m.
10:07pm Me - I loved when we had Reese's Peanut Butter Cup up in the front freezer. I'd stand in the corner up there and use the sample spoons and dig out the peanut butter cups. The customers essentially got vanilla when I worked that shift.
10:07pm Friend - You are an amazing employee. I would hire you if I had a business.
10:07pm Me - Food consumption tonight - 2 slices pizza, 2 brownies, many Ritz Crackers. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US?
10:08pm Friend - Vodka tonic (not alcoholics, despite the evidence) and lots of granola...want to be regular. We really do not usually fall asleep on trains.
10:09pm Me - Well, as you said your friend put it, you like the hooch.
10:09pm Friend - I will drink anyting. Hubby likes the trains.
10:09pm Me – Anyting? hahahahaha you are drunk.
10:10pm Friend - I wish...would make a 4 and 3 year-old much more bearable...try explaining a cup (for penile protection) to a 4 year-old while sober.
10:11pm Friend - Give me rubbing alcohol.
10:11pm Me - I have some Robitussin.
10:12pm Friend - I'll take it...they are driving me nuts. I love them, but geez louise. I can see how one becomes an alcoholic.
10:12pm Me - Yes, there is many a day when I would like to run out to Celebrity and hang with the locals
10:13pm Friend - I am amazed at how the same cars are there daily.
10:15pm Me - Did you ever pass Showplace? Not that I've noticed the cars, but I just thought of that place. And the lovelies that are hanging out there during the day having a smoke.
10:15pm Friend - OMG! The same cars everyday!
10:16pm Me - Funny how they don't quite look like the movie strippers.
10:17pm Friend - So, the big question is, are you supporting the Human Race? No pressure.
10:17pm Me - I forgot to tell you I met the singer from the band who in addition to having a great voice, and is not too bad to look at, also has an English accent. I was a little starstruck.
10:18pm Friend - I love accents.
10:18pm Me - But it doesn't take much for me to be starstruck. You've probably guessed that by my obsession with an almost 60 year old man.
10:20pm Friend - Glad to see you are supporting the Human Race. I will give Train Sleeper your regards.
10:21pm Me - Tell Train Sleeper if I can, I will attempt to kick his butt for ditching you and getting me involved.
10:22pm Friend - Speaking of him...I should join him in the living room. See you at 8? Or should we meet at 8:30 for a short treadmill workout? I am quite certain you could kick his butt at this point. Just put him on a train.
10:23pm Me - Want to do the treadmill at 8:15?
10:23pm Friend - You will so love the shirt, by the way...and the concert...and experience...and the charity that I chose, but cannot remember for the life of me.
10:23pm Me - hahaha must be a great charity. Very memorable.
10:23pm Friend - It is either WWF or Lance Armstrong -Probably Lance. He's cute. Not that pandas aren't.
10:25pm Me - Oh, Is WWF the World Wrestling Federation? Are we supporting Hulk Hogan?
10:25pm Friend – Yes. I believe it was Hulk Hogan.


August 26, 2008

9:44pm Friend - Is it wrong that I enjoy my quiet nights at home?
9:45pm Me - It is SO NOT WRONG. I love quiet nights when hubby isn't here. And he knows it!!
9:46pm Friend - Hubby knows, too.
9:49pm Friend - By the way, you have more friends!
9:49pm Me - I need 2 to break 100 but hubby has 104!
9:50pm Friend - Your hubby is collecting friends isn't he?
9:55pm Friend - I love Big Brother by the way. Hubby would be so hurt that I was watching without him.
9:55pm Me - Is that on? I've never watched it. And my hubby would love me now b/c he left baseball on and I haven't changed it!
9:56pm Friend - It is on. I have watched all 1,000 seasons of it.
9:56pm Me - I'm waiting for The Office at 10 so that I can IM, watch The Office, work on my budget, and attempt a post on my blog. Quite the multi-tasker I am.
9:57pm Friend - You really are. You should never work on the budget without a drink.
9:57pm Me - If I had one, I'd go for it. I think we have some after dinner drink that I don't even know how to properly drink.
9:58pm Friend - I hate the budget. Did you bring in the TiVo yet?
9:58pm Me - The budget consumes me. I am constantly playing with it.
9:58pm Friend - I am avoiding it like the plague.
9:58pm Me - Guess what the answer to your TiVo question it. is. The hubbies can enjoy the TiVo b/c it's still in the back of the Matrix.
9:59pm Friend - Next time I come over, I'll run out to the car and grab it.
9:59pm Me - 5th thing to do now - write go to DVR store and pick it up. Then let sit in house for 5 months.
10:00pm Friend - Yell at Cablevision, then leave item yelled about at office for indefinite amount of time.
10:15pm Friend - I am eating loads of crackers.
10:15pm Me - I ate 2 waffles with syrup.
10:15pm Friend - I want more crackers. We have problems.
10:16pm Me - I just cracked up. What the hell is wrong with us? If I didn't have a child sleeping upstairs, I'd totally go to Shop Rite and get Entenmanns chocolate chip cookies. Can I order take out from there?
10:16pm Friend - I hear they deliver. I am considering some organic cookies.
10:17pm Me - You can take comfort in knowing that they don't have preservatives.
10:18pm Friend - Or white flour.
10:18pm Pam - Which reminds me, I have organic toaster tart things that Monkey Man doesn't even like, so if I get desperate...
10:18pm Friend - You have options.
10:18pm Me - He's been picky with breakfast so I thought he'd like these. No. That's what $4 gets you. "I don't like those."
10:19pm Friend - Too bad for you. NOT. I would eat Lucy if she were coated in sugar.
10:21pm Me - Budget revision #3,225 done. If I sell Amway, turn tricks on Main St. and sell my blonde-haired, blue-eyed child, I can buy gas for another month.
10:21pm Friend - Nice, I am going with the eggs.
10:21pm Me - I just cracked up at your Lucy remark. Sometimes LOL isn't enough.
10:21pm Friend - Oh, and having ninetuplets for pay.
10:22pm Me - Ninetuplets could do a little damage on the Panda body. Not to mention you would definitely be peeing in your pants every hour of every day. No Kegels in the world could save that.
10:22pm Friend - I already do that.
10:23pm Me - Right. sorry about that. Go for it, then!
10:24pm Friend - I might go for ten.
10:24pm Me - How ridiculous am I? Just to prove to myself that I can do this, I turned on The Office and will now attempt my blog. I should just cut and paste this conversation (did you notice that it saves the conversations). I think I might do it for sh*ts and giggles.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to the Urinal I Go

Poppy (my dad) took Monkey Man to the potty (Yes! He is POTTY TRAINED! Miracles really do happen!) at some rest stop in some state we drove through while traveling north in a mini-van crammed with 5 bodies, one of them a 3 year-old that has more to say than his father.

Anyway, that 3 year-old happily took Poppy's hand to go to the men's room. Upon exiting the bathroom, my dad told me the exchange that took place between he and his newly trained grandson. Poppy told Monkey Man not to touch anything while in the bathroom. Ever obedient Monkey Man (at least in matters of dirt, germs, and general yuckiness) replied, "Okay, Poppy. I'll just touch my penis."

Friday, August 1, 2008

We're Going to Disney World!

We leave for Disney World in the wee hours of Sunday morning, so You Are Kidding Me will most likely not be updated until after August 18. However, since I am driving with Monkey Man and WITHOUT my husband, I'm going to go ahead and take a crazy guess that I'll have lots of material for this here blog upon my return. 20 hours in a car with Monkey Man? You may never hear from me again as I might take refuge in a rest stop somewhere in Virginia (if I make it that far).

I can't even complain to my husband that he gets to fly while I ride in the backseat of my parents' car with the kid, Diego, Batman, Teddy Grahams, Blue's Clues, and a vile of crack (that's my vile of crack, I'm not sharing). Because, as you've all read and seen, last week's Rick Extravaganza was brought to you in part by Hubby. He came to the concert, even though he thought he'd get out of it because my friend was going to accompany me. He TOLD ME to go rush the stage, and like the obedient wife I am, I did as told and we were up front for half the concert, singing and drooling and dancing and drooling.

But the biggest contribution? He stayed with Monkey Man and the Rick Virgin's 2 kids while we went to the CD signing at Virgin Records in NYC. Hubby works from home and has a flexible schedule, and although the Rick Virgin's hubby did make a valiant attempt to "work from home," he couldn't, so my hubby took in the kids, no questions asked and just said, "Go, have fun!" I'd marry him all over again if Rick doesn't get to me first. Hubby, you can be our Best Man, because that's how much I love you!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

There’s a Kid Around Here Somewhere

I know. Rick has been taking up a little of my time lately. I am fully aware that I have a child and this blog has been turned into a kind of homage to Rick Springfield. But have you seen what I’ve been doing this week? The concert! The CD signing! People, I MET RICK SPRINGFIELD. I spoke to him. And then we made out. Oh, sorry, I slipped into a narcoleptic daydream there.

In case you’re wondering, Monkey Man’s dad and I are still together and there will be a post coming very soon about what a KICK BUTT husband I have. I will return with stories and adventures of Monkey Man. But in the meantime, feel free to keep coming back to look at Rick’s eyes. And that smile. Did you see his arms? Oh, and his new girlfriend. Don’t we look so cute together? Yeah, he wants me.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

On the 12th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
Another concert!
TODAY! TODAY! Hip Hip Hooray! (Monkey Man's books are getting to me - I slipped into a little Dr. Seuss there for a second)

I hope to have another moment like this tonight:

Only maybe, with a photo that's a little more flattering? Nah, I don't care how flattering the photo is of me, if I get that arm around me and a kiss, I won't mind looking like a crazed fan that just had her dream come true - again. Because even if it happens again, I will be just as excited, elated, and euphoric with as many heart palpitations as that first magical time.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Friday, July 25, 2008

On the 11th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
A concert necessity check list.

Things I need for the Rick concert, which, by the way, is TOMORROW!

  1. A babysitter – Thank you, Poppy and Aga, for not only loving Monkey Man and taking care of him, but for enabling my addiction.
  2. 4 tickets – one for me, one for my husband, one for the Rick Virgin, and one for her husband. I will be obsessively checking my bag throughout the car trip to make sure all are present and accounted for.
  3. Directions to Oyster Bay – oh, not only do I have directions, I have 3 sets! One from Google, one from Mapquest (this one is most likely to get us lost but I have it just in case), and one from the FOTA website. Note to self: Ask Santa for a GPS this year.
  4. An email from a college friend who grew up on Long Island suggesting places near the venue to eat, drink and be merry pre-show.
  5. Bug Spray – I’m hearing it’s buggy at the Planting Fields so I’ll have to make a run to the store tomorrow morning.
  6. 3 cameras – my new Canon, my old Sony Cybershot as a backup, and for the first time, my video camera. I knew there was a reason for dragging the hubbies along!
  7. My Success Hasn’t Spoiled Me Yet album for me and Working Class Dog album for the Rick Virgin plus a Sharpie for each of us.
  8. Monkey Man’s Buzz Lightyear spinning light-up thing – seriously, how could Rick resist giving the Human Touch to a mom using her son’s toy to lure a Rock Star to her? I’m shameless.
  9. A good night’s sleep – but that’s not really possible because on this Rick Concert Eve, I am like a child waiting for Santa!

Good night and Merry Rickmas!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

On the 10th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
My deeply religious side.

Dear Lord,
You have blessed me in many ways throughout my boy-crazy, star-struck life. At the tender age of 6, you put on my TV a telethon in which John Schneider (Bo Duke at the time) was working the phones. Because it was in your great plan for me, my dad called the telethon and I spoke to Bo Duke. Lord, thank you for that first experience with stalking celebrities.

Your presence was at its strongest when I was 16 and my friends and I got backstage passes to meet the New Kids on the Block. Although only Donnie Wahlberg showed up, and I cried great tears of joy and celebration, I know that it just opened the door for what you have in store for me on September 23, 2008 when I see the New Kids at the Izod Center (hint, hint).

Now, at this point in my life, a time when I should very well be over my hormonal, pubescent behavior, you have brought Rick Springfield to me. He was always there, an old favorite that sometimes got overlooked because of Kirk Cameron, Jonathan Knight, Tom Cruise, and other flavors of the month. But because I am older and wiser, I know that he is the one celebrity worthy of taking my attention away from work, husband, child, and other life responsibilities. You would not have made such a perfect specimen, a man almost 60 years-old, to look like that, to sing like that, to rock like that, if you didn’t want women to forget about their real lives and sink into the delusional world of believing that they are Mrs. Rick Springfield.

As I approach another Rick concert, I ask you to be with me in Oyster Bay, LI. Please let us arrive safely and within a reasonable amount of time given that we have to drive on the Long Island Expressway and you and I both know that Satan built that road. Please give me the strength to jump on chairs, over chairs, between chairs and any other stunt I need to pull in order to get another Human Touch. I do not mean to partake in the sins of Greed and Lust, but Lord, just allow me one more hug and a touch of his buttocks.

I have faith in you, Lord, that what is meant to be will happen. Please remember the awesome new camera that you blessed us with and what great pictures I can get if the aforementioned occurs Saturday night. I will even post the pictures on this blog for everyone to enjoy, because I know you would want me to share the joy you have given me with others. I have learned selflessness through you.

And please let me win the Mega Millions Lottery. World Peace would be awesome, too.

Amen.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

On the 9th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
The possibility of meeting him!

If only briefly. I live about 40 miles west of New York City and there is a chance that I will be going to the Venus in Overdrive CD signing at the Virgin Megastore in Times Square on Tuesday, July 29. We (The We is the Rick Virgin, who by that date will have lost her virginity, and myself) have to get there by 9 a.m. to buy the CD to get a bracelet for the signing at 6 p.m. IF - and that's a big if - we get there in time to get the bracelets, then I will surely pee in my pants and throw up when I am looking Rick in the face to sign my CD. They should give me a bracelet just to see that show.

On the 8th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
The realization that I have responsibilities other than thinking about Rick.

I’m a day late on the 12 Days of Rick. My apologies, but this was my first go at writing everyday and it seems my life got in the way. That is, waiting on Monkey Man’s every need. Isn’t 3 when they are supposed to move out and get jobs?

The concert date is nearing and for lack of descriptive and flowery vocabulary - I’m getting so excited! It’s been 4 months since my last show, and even though this is the shortest span of time between concerts, I just can’t wait!

It’ll also be fun for my friend to lose her Rick concert virginity and for me to have a girlfriend along for the show. Before this, my husband has willingly and lovingly (eye rolls are a sign of love, right?) joined me and he has enjoyed the shows, but he was always willing to give up his spot to someone else. He thought he would get out of this one, but my friend’s husband wanted to come, too, so it’ll be the 4 of us. Me, the Rick Virgin, and the two guys laughing at their ridiculously silly, boy-crazy wives. We’ve already planned our outfits – no, not in the “Let’s wear matching shirts and shorts” middle-school way, but in the decision to not wear skirts because if we need to climb on chairs to hold Rick up, skirts are not really the best chair-climbing attire. And I do plan to climb on chairs or any other piece of furniture or human body that will get me closer to Rick – and get another kiss, hug, and signed album.

In time according to Monkey Man, I have just 3 more naps (those are bedtimes) to go until the big day!

Monday, July 21, 2008

On the 7th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
The perfect set list. Here it is, but it doesn't have to be in this order:
  • Jessie's Girl
  • Love Somebody
  • Love Is Alright Tonight
  • I've Done Everything For You
  • What Kind of Fool Am I?
  • Alyson
  • Rock of Life
  • Celebrate Youth
  • Don't Talk to Strangers
  • I Get Excited
  • Will I?
  • I'll Make You Happy
  • Affair of the Heart
  • Who Killed Rock n' Roll?
  • Human Touch - of course, because we all need it!
I like to stick with the classics, so this list might be "typical." I'm sure there will be some covers, and I know I probably won't get my entire wish list, but again, this is my perfect concert. I know there will also be What's Victoria's Secret since that's the single on the new CD. And what a CD it will be! I've listened to clips of each song on Amazon and Rick's voice sounds so sexy and the music is awesome.
5 more days - I can't wait!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

On the 6th Day of Rick Springfield...

My obsession gave to me:
Name that tune!

For some of you fans, this may be very easy. But it's just fun to sing the line and figure out the song! Don't google the lines - just try to get them on your own!

  • I was caught with my head in the sand /When the world came knocking
  • You got my body dancin' tangos / In three four time
  • But the gods or whatever make the world go round / Shuffled when they should have cut
  • The alley to her heart is a beaten track
  • You shudder and shake, sink your teeth in my skin
  • Now you know about everything / I'm turning you in for memories, you see
  • Don't worry daddy, Ill have her home at a respectable hour / Go to sleep daddy, you won't think about tonight (these lines make me laugh every time! Gotta love that Casanova Rick!)
  • Though the world may rage and storm / There's still one harbor where I'm safe and warm
  • Part of the pleasure was that it felt so wrong
  • She's got the teeth, she knows how to bite / Cause when you bit I bled

Saturday, July 19, 2008

On the 5th Day of Rick Springfield...


My obsession gave to me:
The name of my dog when I was 7.

I picked out an adorable German Shepherd/Collie mix puppy and my parents entrusted me with the name of the dog. At the time, I was a Rick Springfield fan AND a Dukes of Hazzard fan, so I needed a name to honor the two. The logical choice? Jesse. Spelled like Uncle Jesse from the Dukes of Hazzard but also giving a nod to Jessie's Girl.

It's a good thing that I already had a dog named Jessie, because Monkey Man may very well have ended up with that name. But after your dog has had the name already, it doesn't work well on the humans in the family - or at least that's what my husband thought.

Friday, July 18, 2008

On the 4th Day of Rick Springfield...



My obsession gave to me:
Actually it took something away. 1 hour and 33 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

My wonderful husband ordered the Hard to Hold DVD and gave it to me as a surprise a few weeks ago. I think I saw the movie when it came out (1984), but can't be quite sure so I was excited to watch it. I had very low expectations for it, knowing it wasn't a cinematic masterpiece. But, hey, what the hell, I thought, Rick is in it and so is his naked butt so how bad can it be?

In honor of my 12 Days of Rick Springfield, I thought this would be the perfect time to watch it and give a review. And it was a Thursday night without The Office so I had some spare time.

For all the die-hard fans out there, I sincerely apologize about this review. I am by no means a movie critic so I will now give you my layman's review - This movie was bad.

Rick's acting was decent, but honestly I couldn't pay much attention because of his mullet. He could almost pull it off because he is Rick Springfield. But still, it was a mullet. And his love interest? She looked old enough to be his mother. It was unbelievable to have those two together. Rick, sorry "Jamie Roberts", would not have fallen for this matronly woman.

Thank God Love Somebody is one of the songs in the movie because that just happens to be one of my favorites, but I had to wait through 1 hour and 30 minutes of excrutiating dialogue and bad kissing scenes before I got to the song.

I think Rick did the best he could for what he had to work with, but he didn't have much to work with, unfortunately. It was enjoyable to see that smile and those eyes for 1 hour and 33 minutes, but after that, I was ready for another episode of House Hunters.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Milestones

Monkey Man and Poppy went to one of the local farms today. This is what I heard Monkey Man tell Walt, our dog, when he arrived home:

“Hi Walter. I peed in the grass just like you do!”

Poppy laughed and told me that, yes, Monkey Man did in fact pee in the grass. He had to go potty, and since we are doing REALLY WELL in the potty training department, Poppy made sure he didn’t have an accident in his big boy underpants. So he let him drop trow right there at the farm.

Ah, public urination as his first misdemeanor. Let me get out the baby book to document. I’m so proud.

On the 3rd Day of Rick Springfield…

My obsession gave to me:
A tear-filled breakfast. Let me explain.

I went to Rick’s show in Pennsylvania in December 2005. My husband and I stayed at a hotel that was close to the venue. We arrived to the hotel early, about 4 p.m., to check in and have dinner in town. When we arrived, the hotel was sponsoring a Toys for Tots toy drive for the holidays, and I entered a raffle to win a backstage pass to Rick’s show later that night. $50 for the kiddies and a chance to meet Rick? No brainer. I didn’t win. Bah Humbug.

We ate dinner in town then off to the show we went. This show was my first in many years, and to my sheer delight, Rick came out into the audience! Please don’t ask me how quickly I left my husband at our seats on the side so that I could sprint and leap down stairs towards the middle seats. I did not have a camera at this show, but I did touch his butt. Hey, it was during Human Touch and he was RIGHT THERE, as in, Holy Freakin’ Crap, Rick Springfield is standing in front of me. He was having some trouble walking on the chairs, and I didn’t want the man to fall and hurt himself. I think I learned in First Aid that if someone looks like they are about to fall, if you hold said person by the buttocks, all will be well. All was well, at least with me.

I was on Cloud 9 from that point on. The concert ended, and I chattered like a butt-touching school girl about, “Did you see me touch him? I touched him! I think he dripped sweat on me!” My husband deserves some kind of medal. Or at least to touch Jessica Alba’s butt.

We got back to our hotel at about 11 p.m. I got ready for bed and then we just relaxed and watched TV. Somehow, the TV landed on the History Channel and we got sucked into a documentary about Jeffrey Dahmer. Just what you want to watch before drifting into slumber. As we watched, I heard some noise down the hall. I’m usually nosy about these things and would’ve popped my head out to see what was going on. However, I was too lazy and enjoyed the fact that I had potentially 12 hours of sleep ahead of me and wouldn’t have to get up before the sun rose with our 9 month-old Monkey Man the next morning.

I awoke the next morning refreshed and giddy and happily remembering my evening and did I mention the butt touching? I laughed and joked with my husband about the concert and how much fun it was, and then off to breakfast we went down the hall. While enjoying our waffles, the owner pleasantly chatted with us. Conversation follows:

Owner: “Did you go to the show last night?”

Me: “Yes, it was great!”

Owner: “Did you meet Rick?”

Me: Thinking, what an odd question, why would I meet him? Is that usual standard concert happenings in these parts of Pennsylvania? I stated bluntly, but with a very quizzical look on my face, “No.”

Owner: “Oh, he stayed here last night and after the show he hung out in the lobby until about 2 a.m. talking with guests and people that were at the concert who stopped here to see him. He was also here yesterday at about noon taking pictures with Santa in the lobby.”

Me: This is where the tears start. “You are kidding me, Really?” Because clearly this was the meanest joke anyone could play on me and there had to be cameras on me waiting to put me on some practical joke show.

Owner: “Yeah, it was great. He stays here whenever he plays at that venue. He is always so nice.”

Me: “Awesome. Want to know how Jeffrey Dahmer began his career as a serial killer? No? Neither did I.”

UNBELIEVABLE. I still get a little misty-eyed thinking about it.

The breakfast area where my heart was broken.

The lobby where everyone - EXCEPT ME - but including Santa, got to hang out with Rick. And hey, guess what's behind that fireplace and down the hall? A girl not nosy ENOUGH to poke her head out.

Ugh. And this guy? Dude, you did some really horrible, heinous, disgusting things. And because of that they made a documentary about you. And because of that, I didn't meet Rick Springfield! You're an even bigger jerk than I thought.