Sunday, August 22, 2010

Keeping the Tooth Fairy Off Welfare

In the past week, the Tooth Fairy has visited Monkey Man 3 times. 1 bottom tooth and his 2 front teeth. So I'm feeling a little sad because 1.) My little boy has become an old man in just 7 days and 2.) I'm broke due to this mass loss of teeth. The Tooth Fairy needs to get herself a job helping Santa in his off season. Here are some pics to enjoy, if you enjoy dangling teeth and huge gummy gaps.

Look away if you, like me, cannot stomach teeth that are hanging on by a thread of gum. He asked me to twist it back straight, and I almost threw up.

It fell out! It's official - 2 big, goofy big boy teeth will be ready for Kindergarten pictures! Oh joy!

Homemade yarn wig. Don't ask.

Rockin' Out in the Yarn Wig. Look at that toothless smile!

Just a coincidence that we were at an amusement park two days ago and there was a huge mural of a Jack O'Lantern. Kindred Spirits.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

While flipping through the channels last night, hubby passed over COPS, otherwise known as Educational Viewing for Children Who Don't Want to Grow Up to Be THAT Guy. Monkey Man asked hubby to stop on that channel. I guess he caught a glimpse of a classy white stained tank top (I will not use the other very un-politically correct, or is that very politically incorrect? term) and thought, "Just who are these people with that fantastic fashion sense? I need to see this for myself!"

Hubby told me that he thought for a moment, realizing that COPS is not appropriate viewing material for a 5 year-old. Unless, of course, we want to scare him straight. Like, "Look what happens when you talk back to mommy? You getcho ass cuffed and taken by the po-po!" He put it on quickly to see if it was okay (read: they weren't showing a crack pipe or some guy missing all his teeth in yet ANOTHER classy white stained tank top peeing all over his front lawn) and it was a woman getting a DUI. Oh, just a simple, violence-free offense. Okay, we'll watch for a minute, was hubby's thought, I guess.

Monkey Man: "What happened to that lady? Why is she getting arrested?"

Hubby: "She was drinking alcohol and driving. It is against the law to drink and drive."

Monkey Man: "What is alcohol?"
Hubby explained for like 10 seconds until Monkey Man lost interest and started talking about how cool Spencer from iCarly's hair is. Monkey Man listens to important conversations for his usual 10 seconds then it's on to much more worldly topics. Like, "Can a shark eat me if I'm on the beach? Is my hair longer than Spencer's? Is the tooth fairy always really small?"

Then I called up Monkey Man to brush his teeth, having no prior knowledge of the educational programming in which his father and he were engaged.

Monkey Man: "I just saw a lady get arrested on t.v."
Me: "Uh oh, that's not good."
Monkey Man: "She was drinking and driving."
Me: "Oohh, you're not supposed to do that."
Monkey Man: "Yeah, but YOU do that!"

I started hysterically laughing because he was so adament that I drink and drive. And, yes, in the most literal form of drinking and driving, I do. Because almost everywhere I go, I carry my big blue water bottle. Filled with WATER. That he always drinks from. Now, had Monkey Man listened to his father, he would have known that drinking and driving does not mean any drink.

So guess what his Kindergarten teacher is going to learn about me next week? I'll have to have her over for a drink to explain myself.

Always a Situation for Colgate Wisps

Holy Deal of the Century! I just found (well, my mom found them, because bargains scream her name whereas I pay full price for everything, having no flair for coupon clipping or sales circulars) a 32 pack - yes, you read that correct - a 32 PACK - of the Ridulously Awesome Colgate Wisp Disposable Toothbrushes for $4.99 at Five Below! I'm telling you, people, these things are as handy to have on you as a condom is for J-Wow and The Situation on the Jersey Shore. They are THAT GOOD.
Please Note: I am in no way claiming that Colgate Wisp Disposable Toothbrushes help prevent pregnancy or STDs.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Gotta Bolt!

While driving down the shore the day after we returned from Disney World (because obviously I enjoy inflicting pain on myself), Monkey Man asked hubby a question. This question was prompted by his prime seating arrangement in the backseat.

Monkey Man: "Daddy, in my head, do I have a big, bolt part like you?"

Mommy: (I'm thinking, is something sticking out on hubby's head like Frankenstein? What does he mean?) "Bolt part?" I asked, wondering what he saw.

Monkey Man: "Yeah, a bolt part. Like on Daddy's head."

Mommy & Daddy: Lightbulbs go on over head, hysterial laughing begins (more of MY hysterical laughing than hubby's)I asked, "Do you mean a BALD spot?"

Hubby: To me, "Don't even think of writing a blog post about this," as I reached down to find any available scrap of paper and a pen.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

9 Things I Learned from Disney World Part II

5. I need to have my own laptop with me.
I thought that 4 laptops in one house would be more than plenty for me to get a little computer time to get some work done. I checked in with my niece before we left figuring if she were bringing hers, I could use it. She said it was fine. Then I found out that her 2 friends also had theirs, and my oldest nephew brought his. Okey Dokey, lots of computers for me. However, there were 7 people between the ages of 15-22. READ: 36 year-old that actually has to do a little work (fine, and not lose touch with the social media world) does not get first dibs on computer. That, and we didn't have wireless, which means only ONE laptop could be plugged in to the internet (Yo, Disney, it's 2010 and we pay like a bajillion dollars for this vacation each year, throw us one of Pluto's damn bones!) So there I waited while this one did some internet shopping and that one played poker. With all that spare time, you'd think someone could have made more lemonade. (See #1 from Part I)

6. Colgate's disposable toothbrushes ROCK.
Colgate, if you are reading this, I will happily advertise your fabulously awesome Wisp Disposable Toothbrushes on my blog. For a fee, of course - mama's gotta make the cash money. For those of you not in the know, Colgate makes these small toothbrushes with a dot of toothpaste in the middle neatly prepackaged to carry with you in toothbrushing emergencies. Now, maybe you have never encountered a toothbrushing emergency, but being Monkey Man's mom, a 12 day vacation in Disney World is one giant toothbrushing emergency. Colgate Wisps saved me on several evenings when we were out late and he was going to fall asleep on the ride home. Yes, I looked like a crazy woman brushing Monkey Man's teeth on a bench in Epcot, but my dental OCD was calmed knowing that his awesome dinner of french fries and a Mickey ice cream pop were now thoroughly washed out of his teeth. Colgate - call me. I'll totally be your advertising bitch.

7. I am not an alcoholic.
Now, this is not news to me. I never thought I was an alcoholic. However, with access to alcohol at my fingertips, at every park, the pool bar, or, say, my monogrammed flask - well, if I were to ever succumb to some latent addiction lurking in my body, this trip would have definitely had me detoxing at Betty Ford.

8. Pay more careful attention to "that time of the month" when booking my trip to Disney.
Because for the 2 weeks I spent on what should be a happy and magical vacation, yeah, I had PMS AND a visit from Aunt Flo. Maybe that's too much information. However, I'm pretty confident that the lemonade might not have sent me over the edge had it not been for my special friend. And maybe that explains the inhalation of donuts. (See #4 from Part I)

9. There is nothing like being with a 5 year-old in Disney World.
The way Monkey Man's face lit up EVERY TIME he took his picture with a character. Getting two thumbs up and "That was better than better than awesome" when he got off Space Mountain. Clinging to his dad for dear life on Tower of Terror then announcing how it was the best ride ever when it was over. Well, it makes it all totally worth it.

Monkey Man asks Pluto to show his muscles!

Monkey Man and Hubby watching the parade at the Magic Kingdom

Monkey Man and Hubby locked up with Zurg

Me, Monkey Man and Hubby at Fort Wilderness before the Hoop Dee Doo Revue

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

9 Things I Learned from Disney World 2010

I have been to Walt Disney World 25 times. And during this last trip, I learned a few things. I now present Part I of the 9 Things I Learned from Disney World 2010.

1. I am not fit for group living.
This is not to say I am not a good candidate for the kind of group living associated with a mental institution (which, after this vacation, I might have to check myself into) But, Assisted Living? Totally different. I can't wait to check myself into a place that has a schedule of events each day including Bingo at 3 p.m., a Social Dance at 4 p.m., followed by a dinner that someone else made and a little bowl of ice cream. Totally worth the $4,200 per month. Had I ever been cast (had a I ever auditioned then been cast) for a show such as The Real World or Big Brother or some other group-home based reality show, I would have been THAT girl. THAT girl that loses her sh*t when, say, someone drinks all the lemonade and leaves the empty pitcher on the counter for someone else to refill (this may or may not have happened in Disney). For someone (me) that my husband would describe as almost a hermit but not quite due to my (I think) pretty adept social skills and occasional want to get out of the house, this vacation was like a teacher reading my IEP (Individualized Education Plan) which clearly states, "Doesn't like loud noises and bright flashing lights" then sticking me in the middle of Studio 54 in 1977. Note: There were 14 people in our grand villa at Old Key West (shhh, we're only supposed to have 12). 14 bodies spread throughout 3 bedrooms, 4 baths, a living room, dining room, and kitchen. Everywhere I turned, there was a person. Loud noises, flashing lights, loud noises, flashing lights...

2. Make sure to bring the nail color of my pedicure with me.
A sunny, perky Essie Tangerine pedicure will become a dull, chipped mess after just 4 days in chlorine and sun. If I didn't pay $32 for ice cream the other night, I could have afforded another pedi down at the spa.

3. Central Florida in July is beginning to be a bad idea.
Although I LOATHE the cold of winter, I have become rather bitter towards the "oppressive" ('s word to describe the heat in Orlando this week. Thank you Capt. Obvious) heat of a Florida summer. We have been coming to Disney World every summer since 1993, and although each time it has been very hot, this is the first time I remember nearly passing out in a park. No exaggeration. I stood like a good mom watching Monkey Man become a Padawan (that's a Jedi in training, for those of you who don't know. But why would you know? In fact, you shouldn't know. I'm married to a Star Wars geek) in the Star Wars show at Hollywood Studios, and prayed for him to just friggin' be the next kid to fight Darth Vader already so I could get a picture (it also became apparent on this trip that I pray in Jersey slang). Because when I started to feel a chill in the 96 degree heat with 70% humidity, something told me that just wasn't right. Monkey Man got his turn, whacked Darth in the head with his light saber then I ran off and drank 32 ounces of water in 4 seconds flat while bathing myself in the women's restroom sink. I was fine, but vowed to not step foot into one of those asphalt cauldrons, aka another park, for the remainder of our stay.

4. Entenmann's chocolate donuts are not an appropriate breakfast.
Or lunch. Or 11:30 p.m. snack. Damn you, Entenmann's. There is a place in hell waiting for you. It became a tradition sometime around Disney 1994 to hitch an Entenmann's trailer full of their chocolate donuts to my parents' minivan just to make extra sure that we had 39 boxes for a 12 day stay. And every morning, I wake up and eat my Fiber One cereal because I'm also working out every other day to keep up my somewhat healthy eating and exercise lifestyle. 20 minutes after my Fiber One, I not only have to go to the bathroom, I have to have a donut. Because it's there. And it's Entenmann's and they fill their snacks with crack.

The last lonely boxes that were cruelly assaulted before check-out.

To be continued...