Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Funny Bone

Monkey Man was in the bathroom earlier while I was in the kitchen pouring freshly cooked sauce (Yes, I make my own sauce now! After 11 years of living out of a jar, I finally started using my mom's recipe!) into containers. I enjoyed a quiet moment, because Monkey Man DOES NOT STOP talking, and then the silence was abruptly interrupted:

"Mommmm! There is a bone in my penis!"

Well, I nearly dropped the entire pot of sauce on my freshly cleaned floors. I simply answered "Okay," and hoped (prayed, pleaded with the Good Lord) that the conversation would end there. It would be another 3 hours until Hubby got home and I just didn't want to field these questions.

"Mommmm, what is INSIDE my penis?" he asked.

And I answered, "Veins." And by some miracle, he stopped talking.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Memo From Mom: Rick Springfield Special Edition

TO: Rick Springfield

RE: Go to Your ROOM!

Date: May 5, 2011

Oh, Rick. Rick, Rick, Rick. I heard the disappointing news the other night of your legal troubles. Now, Rick, I used the word "disppointing" which should trigger major feelings of mommy/child guilt. Which is what you should feel. Now, I'm not your mother, but apparently you need one of your fans to speak to you as such.

You have tens of thousands of adoring female fans that would give up their blue eyeliner and pearly pink Wet n' Wild lipstick for one night with you. And then you go and pull a stunt like you did the other night. Driving under the influence, Rick? Really? What did you think that would accomplish? You are just lucky you did not kill someone, or yourself (GASP!), Young Man!

Maybe you are not as wealthy as Oprah, but I think it's safe to say that I alone have spent enough money on your tickets in the last few years for you to hail a freakin' cab. Even if you spent all your money on booze that night, you could have asked ANY woman to drive you home. Just to have your ass sitting in her car would have been enough. Even if you were all drunk and drooly and incoherent.

I did use this unfortunate event as a teachable moment for Monkey Man, however. He overhead me talking to Hubby about your stupid decision and he asked us what we were talking about. We explained that it is against the law and very dangerous for someone to drink alcohol and drive. We gave him a brief 5-minute speech about alcohol and its effects on the brain as well as legal age. It was all very enlightening and then he threw out a karate move and proclaimed he was a Power Ranger.

And what did Monkey Man take away from our drinking and driving lecture? He told his teacher yesterday that you were arrested for drinking too much oil.

I'm actually whispering in his ear, "If you do that one more time Richard Springthorpe, I'm taking away all your Star Wars figures."

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Single Most Worst Thing To Do on a Saturday Afternoon Part II

After about 6 hours, we became the owners of a brandy-new, shiny black, CD playing, Blue Tooth equipped (HOW did I EVER live without this???) Hyndai Elantra. I have become a man. I am in love with my car.

And I have several things to report, but you might want to refer to Part I of this post so as to not become confused by my cross-references:

1) We cannot agree on the kind of car we want.

I humored Hubby and looked at the Honda Fit. Of course, after I sat in it, chatted with the salesperson about it, and genuinely looked like I gave a crap about this car, I gave a "Hell to the NO!" So I scored points for trying. Thankfully, after going to Hyundai and sitting in the pretty black Elantra, Hubby was as sold as I was. So we totally agreed on the car! People, seriously, this is a huge triumph in our marriage. We often have very different opinions and are quite stubborn. I wish our therapist could have been there to see this.

2) We both CANNOT STAND the process of car shopping and I give the car salespeople a really hard time - I don't trust them, and I let them know it. Hubby wants to crawl in a corner when we go car shopping.

I am happy to report that Hubby DID NOT need to go fetal on this day! When we arrived at Hyundai, Hubby told the receptionist that we would like to speak to a salesperson that would not pressure us. I know, that sounds so ridiculously funny and oxymoronish that even I broke out in an Arnold Drummond, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Now, we don't know if the lovely receptionist spoke with our salesperson or if this guy was just naturally chill and low pressure, but he was a DEE-LIGHT.

After taking the Elantra for a test drive, falling in love, and proposing marriage to the Blue Tooth, we sat down to talk numbers with Ryan - not his real name, but he looked a little like Ryan Seacrest. If you've ever purchased or leased a car, this is when your salesperson will mysteriously disappear into a room a few times going back and forth with The Manager. Numbers get jotted down, many times with arrows and quick scribbles. It's all trickery, and I always expect a rabbit to pop out of the guy's ass.

But I have good news to report! After Ryan gave us the first round of numbers, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for some hardball. This is usually when my sweet demeanor gets cast aside and I become a force to be reckoned with. We told Ryan that we couldn't do his price, but we gave him our price. "Ryan, give it to us for this amount, and you made a sale," I said, calmly. I liked Ryan. He seemed honest (again with the honest salesperson oxymoron) and had a little bit of that, "I'm good with whatever you want." Ryan did in fact disappear, but he returned ALONE. NEVER during any time that I have leased or bought a car (I've done this about 7 other times) have I experienced the salesperson coming out sans The Manager or The Finance Guy. Ryan said, "We can do it." Well, Ryan, enjoy that commission, buddy!

3) I want the car TODAY. Hubby thinks we're just looking today. Yep, sure to be good times.

We totally bought the car on the day we looked. Score 1 for me. Yay!

4) It is pouring rain and I plan on wearing my Mickey Mouse poncho from Disney World.

Lucky for Hubby, by the time we were actually looking in the lot, the rain had stopped. But the poncho was in the car ready for action.

I must give a Not-So-Honorable Mention to the Nissan salesperson - When we stopped by, he informed us, "We ain't (Yes, he said ain't) got a lot because of the tsunamis," (Yes, he used the plural form of tsunami. To my knowledge, there was just one, no?) My guess is that this Nissan dealer ain't giving out grammar books to the staff for holiday bonuses. Lucky for Ryan he used proper English.