The Great (Disney) Depression

Walt Disney World is like no other place in the world.  A beautiful castle, fairies, pirates and princesses are awaiting your arrival.  They snicker and cackle as they invite you to buy their cheap, plastic toys for $18 when you know damn well you can buy that sword at the dollar store for a buck.  But still, it’s magical.  Or at least that’s what the “pixie dust” they put in their Magic Kingdom Main Street Bakery brownies makes you believe.

We visited Walt Disney World two weeks ago and followed it up with a voyage on the Disney Fantasy Cruise to St. Maarten and St. Thomas.  This was our 6^th Disney Cruise (Monkey Man’s 3^rd) and my 26^th time visiting Walt Disney World.  Monkey Man has been to Walt Disney World 6 times, so yes, we have definitely drank the Kool-Aid and hit the big ol’ bong of Disney pixie dust.

Each time we visit, I cannot help but to get goosebumps.  Sometimes the goosebumps are from heatstroke because we go in July or August, but usually they are from the sheer wonder and excitement of this magical place.  Since Monkey Man has been with us, it is even better.  He absolutely loves to see the characters, take pictures with them and give them hugs.  I know Disney sucks my hard-earned money from me, but it is so worth being piss poor upon our return home to see that kid’s face light up when Goofy dances with him.

And I fall for their sappy crap every time, too.  When I hear “When you wish upon a star…” pumping through the speakers in Fantasyland, I actually believe it.  For a fleeting moment, I think, “Yes! If I wish upon a star that Rick Springfield will ride Space Mountain with me, it really WILL come true!”  And when I also take my picture with Mickey, I am completely unaware that there is a 5’2” 20 year-old college girl in that suit.  Hell no!  It IS Mickey Mouse!

It simply is the happiest place on earth.  Children sleep-deprived and kept running for 16 hours a day on Mickey Ice Cream Bars and Goofy’s Sour Power Candy.  Exhausted little ones curled into their parents on the Disney bus ride back to the resort trying to seek warmth on a bus that has its air conditioner set to 55 degrees while dreaming of Tinkerbell and Donald Duck.  There is nothing like stroking Monkey Man’s hair as he sits on my lap all drooly and sleeping and adorable knowing that he had the greatest day ever and tomorrow will be just as good or even better.

And the cruise? The cruise is like Disney World on crack, and that’s meant in the nicest, best crack comparison possible.  In addition to bumping into Disney characters everywhere you turn, you get tropical islands, too!  Had enough of Goofy’s shenanigans? Have a rum punch on St. Thomas that is 99.99% rum and will have you thinking that YOU are, in fact, Goofy.  Seriously, people, nobody knows how to make a mixed drink like those that live in the islands. 

And the Disney Cruise has FREE CHILD CARE!!!  Well, free as in you paid $5,000 for a cruise 3 months ago and this was included.  The Oceaneer’s Club & Lab are open from 9 a.m. until midnight.  Hundreds of children all in a Disney craze wrangled by insane counselors who choose to be at sea with these kids for months on end.  What could be better for Mom and Dad?  Monkey Man had a great time attending special activities and my husband and I even sent him on his way when we wanted to see a Big People’s show or string more than 3 words together to each other.

My bed was made 2 times a day on the cruise.  Chocolates awaited my arrival on my pillow each evening and cookies and milk were delivered to my stateroom within minutes of a phone call.  Upon entering the dining room one night, we were greeted by all of the servers with applause, and Monkey Man beamed while marching on beat to their clapping.  When the atrium lobby band played, I didn’t think twice to sing out loud and dance while I passed them en route to the restroom from dinner.  I enjoyed wine with dinner almost every night and totally rocked an 80s Name That Tune Game.  The cruise was fun and carefree, two things adults need a lot more of in our lives.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end, back to reality, etc.  And the kids know this.  On the last night of our Disney Fantasy cruise, the last evening of our 13-night Disney land and sea adventure, Monkey Man cried.  He figured out how Disney builds you up during your stay, makes you feel like a prince or a princess, gives you this highly unrealistic thought that, just maybe, this IS reality.  Then BAM!  Time to go home! 

No more waking up and spending 12 hours in an amusement park with your entire extended family.  No more leisurely afternoons spent swimming, playing pool games, and eating ice cream 3 times a day.  Back to waking up and forcing fruits and vegetables down Monkey Man's throat to make up for 13 days of vitamin deficiency.  Back to cooking lackluster meals instead of having a 4 course-dinner every evening in a pretty dress with a show and walk around the cruise ship to follow.  Yeah, Monkey Man.  I totally get it.  He cried those tears while I choked them back.  I was sad for him because this is a kids’ dream and if I could have stayed with him on that cruise ship forever, I would have gladly done so in a heartbeat.  I was sad for me because I really, really hate to cook and the thought of grocery shopping was making my heart break.  Clearly, no one is greeting me at my front door asking me to be their guest.

So thank you Disney for not only giving us wonderful family memories, but for providing the Great Disney Depression that never fails to follow.

Let's Not Spoil the Fun

We are leaving for our much anticipated two-week pilgrimage to the Holy Land today.  This Holy Land has Mickey Mouse as its Supreme Ruler and sucks the money right from your wallet the moment you set foot on its soil.  Yes, we are leaving for Disney World and the Disney Cruise.

My parents left two days ago as they decided to drive while we chose to fly.  When I say I chose to fly, that means I chose to not be in the car for 20 hours hearing the ever-melodic, “Are we there yet?” and instead will be double-fisting Xanax like a PMSing woman eating M&Ms while pretending for Monkey Man’s sake that being on an airplane is as natural as walking.  Inside my head I will be an absolute lunatic until that plane lands.

We spoke to my parents last night when they arrived at their overnight stop in Georgia.  Monkey Man asked to speak to my mom and when he got on the phone with her, this was the conversation from our end:

Monkey Man, whispering: “Aga, can you hear me?  I need to whisper this,” he said while walking to the other side of the dining room that both his father and I were sitting in.  He then faced the wall and crouched down.

“Aga,” he said still whispering, the way a 7 year-old whispers.  Which is to say, he was talking.  “You can’t hear me? Okay, I’ll talk louder,” he said as he raised his voice to above a regular speaking volume.

“Listen, I need you buy me as many things as you can buy me.”

You have to hand it to the kid.  He didn’t mess around, and went to the source.  If my mom loses her shirt because of this child, I will be sure to buy her a new one that says, “I went to Disney World and all I got was my grandson ripping me off.”  

My Little Squirt

Monkey Man had diarrhea for the first time in his life since he could actually remember.  I think he had it when he was a baby, but honestly, other than his life-threatening nut and shellfish allergies, this kid stays pretty healthy.  Must be his mother’s OCD and the fact that we essentially live in a Lysol can that is disguised as a house.

He had a really bad stomachache the other night that came on suddenly.  He cried and I stayed with him in the bathroom.  I just had this stomach thing the night before and it was still fresh in my mind how badly my stomach hurt, so I was feeling extra empathetic for the poor kid.  After the first round of butt-yuck, he felt better and was a little amazed at what had just spewed out of him.

The second round he had his dad in there with him.  The following was retold by my husband, since I did not have the awesome privilege of being in the bathroom to witness…

The 3 Stages of Diarrhea as told by a 7 year-old:

1. “Daddy! It’s like my butt is peeing out poop!”
2. “Oooh, my butt is on fire!”
3.  “Ouch.  It hurts to wipe.”

 Leave it to a 7 year-old boy to not only give a play-by-play of bodily functions, but to cut right to the chase and tell it exactly like it is.  

The End of the (F'in) Innocence

During our car ride to yet another baseball game (Monkey Man has been to 3 minor league games and one Yankees game in 16 days) Monkey Man asked me this from the confines of his soon-to-be outgrown booster seat:

“Mommy, is fuck a bad word?”

The angels of Route 80 must been all around me because surprisingly, I did careen off the side of the road.  Normally, the "F" word doesn’t really cause a reaction.  Yes, it’s annoying to hear teenagers saying it trying to be cool, and sure, I might know someone who blurts it out when she drops something or bangs her toe into the corner of my, um, er, HER wall, but when it comes out of MY 7 YEAR-OLD child’s mouth, it’s a bit alarming.

So I launched my attack.  “YES! IT’S THE WORST BAD WORD THERE IS!” I did not divulge that the even worse bad word is the gross, ugly C U Next Tuesday word.  For now, he just needs to know the basic facts on bad words, not disgusting terms for lady parts.

Then I calmed down and asked him where he heard it, silently praying that it wasn’t when I dropped that huge pasta bowl a few weeks ago and it shattered into so many pieces that I am still stepping on shards of glass weeks later.  And maybe continuing to slip out an “Ooooohhhhh Fuuuudddge” ( a la “A Christmas Story) each time.

Monkey Man responded, “Maybe camp?”  “Or maybe (INSERT FRIEND’S NAME HERE) told me it was a bad word?”  He clearly was either very confused and startled by my reaction or was not ratting out his friend. 

He also asked me what the word means.  I simply told him it’s just a mean and yucky word that people use when they aren’t educated enough to use real words.  Yep, mommy is an uneducated fool who throws around mean and yucky words.  Only occasionally, though, like when that wall gets in the way of my friggin’ foot or some a-hole driver cuts me off.  That’s it.  Really.

It made me sad, though, to have to explain this word to him.  As much as his own mother has let one slip, he has never said a bad word.  He has walked past teenagers in the mall saying them, even had some older kids at baseball camp saying a certain choice word that is a synonym for the more juvenile word poop (I was there to witness it), but he has never repeated a word or asked about the words until now.  I almost want him to start running around the house saying, “Poopy Head” just to bring us back to a more simpler time.  He is 7, going into 2^nd grade and I feel my baby slipping away.  And I’m not f’in happy about it.

School’s Out but Learning is Still In

I have been writing articles for parenting and family magazines throughout the U.S.  This article appeared in Northeast Pennsylvania Family in their June 2012 issue.  Here's the link:

http://www.nepafamily.com/articles/school%E2%80%99s-out-but-learning-is-still-in/page-3.html

School’s out for the summer and the cheers of children can be heard far and wide. Summer is a time to relax and enjoy the endless days of sunshine and play. It is also a time to reinforce all the skills learned during the previous school year.

According to the National Summer Learning Association, all young people experience losses in learning when they do not participate in stimulating educational activities during the summer. Research spanning 100 years shows that students typically score lower on standardized tests at the end of summer vacation than they do on the same tests at the beginning of the summer.

Maybe parents are somewhat resistant to the idea of summer learning, too, for different reasons. Some parents do not quite know how to reinforce the skills, while others simply do not understand the benefit. “Let kids be kids and enjoy their summer vacation,” some parents might say remembering their own youthful summers full of play. However, according to a study by Dr. Harris Cooper, professor of psychology at the University of Missouri-Columbia, when students return to school after a long summer vacation, they've lost one to three months worth of learning.

“Academic regression is real,” says Dr. Richard Tomko, Superintendent of Schools in a K-12 public school district in NJ and partner of Tomko, Tomko and Associates, an educational consulting firm. “Parents who do not foster plans to extend their children's learning into the summer are usually parents of children who struggle at the beginning of the school year.”

Summer is a time for fun and relaxation, and keeping learning in summer can be just that, too. “It is important for every parent to realize that it is the summer, and summer must be fun!” Tomko says. “Children have worked hard all year and now they feel the payoff is the fun-filled days of summer vacation. The learning component must be incorporated in summer fun activities and cannot be hours in length. Quick learning interventions will help reiterate topics and stall regression.”

Start thinking creatively and allow your child to learn naturally in real-life settings. When you think about the various topics your child learns about in school, you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy and fun it can be to incorporate “lessons” into everyday summer life.

Ready, Set, Read!

Get the whole family involved and start a Family Book Club. Depending on the age of the children, assign 10, 20, or 30 minutes per day (or most days of the week) to read together as a family. “Parents must emulate the learning activities with their children,” Tomko says. “Independent reading is the best source for children to maintain a level of literacy. Parents should make sure that they are also familiar with their child’s book so they can discuss themes, characters, likes and dislikes about the book with their child.”

Elementary school teacher Juliann Meletta agrees that reading is the best way to reinforce skills during the summer. “My number one priority for students in the summer is to read, read, read. There is no other product or procedure that packs more for its punch than getting kids to read independently.” As for her own two children, Meletta says, “I do everything I can to get books in the hands of my kids. We visit the local library and devour as many books as we can before taking a pile home.” In addition, many libraries offer summer reading programs with various incentives for completed reading.

The Write Stuff

There are many creative ways to keep children writing throughout the summer without asking them to write a book report or an essay about the Civil War. Kids can write emails to grandparents about their summer plans and activities. Parents can work with their children on a summer scrapbook and have the child write the captions for the pictures. Even something as simple as having a child write the grocery list will help engage children, especially younger ones, in forming letters and sounding out words.

Math Matters

Flash cards might be fun, but don’t forget about everyday activities to engage children in math. Preparing a recipe helps children use measurement. “Asking a child to make his favorite recipe will strengthen his ability to process, create, and complete an important project,” Tomko adds. Encourage your child to do a few chores if he hasn’t started already and to save money for something special. This will help teach math skills as well as necessary life skills in budgeting and financial responsibility.  

Technology Tie-In

Kids love all things techy – computers, iPods, and smart phones are all great ways to keep children interested in learning throughout the summer. There are many websites like mathblaster.com and abcya.com as well as apps available to facilitate learning in all academic areas and for various ages. Kids can practice the alphabet and sounds, review multiplication facts through games, and watch videos about their favorite jungle animals. Simply search academic games according to age or grade level on the internet and get started.

Magical Materials

The most basic skills can be reviewed in creative ways when different kinds of materials are used like sidewalk chalk, fingerpaints and window markers. On a sunny day, sit on the driveway with sidewalk chalk and write a story. “My 4 year-old draws a different picture on each sidewalk block, and then I tell the story based on what I see,” Meletta says. “The best part is that he often disagrees with my story, and he'll say, ‘Mommy, that's not what I mean!’ and then he's using his own vocabulary to narrate his story. For my 7 year-old son, I do the same, but sometimes I change it up with a spelling test, math problems or true and false quizzes. They love these!”

When summer days are gray, camp out by a window and use window markers to write rainy day stories, solve word problems, or play a game of Hangman using rainy day words like “thunder,” “lightening,” and “raincoat.” Even a simple review of addition facts becomes much more fun when kids are writing on the windows!

We all know that a plain cardboard box can lead to hours of creativity. Add construction paper, markers and paints and children have all the necessities to create sets for plays and puppet shows. “Creating summer plays helps younger children enhance diction and interact with dialogue,” Tomko says. “This type of activity can incorporate friends, costumes (as an art component), music, and other learning tools to help maintain and even advance literary skills. One can even use historical characters and stories with this as well.”

Newsworthy

The newspaper is a powerful resource for cross-curricular, everyday learning. Where else can you find reading, math, science, history, geography and the arts all in one place?

Children can report on the weather in their town as well as in a city in another state or country, depending on the newspaper. Sports fanatics can look up their favorite baseball team’s most recent batting statistics and keep a record for the summer. The newspaper includes tables and graphs as well as information about cultures not only in their region but around the world.  

With some creativity and a little planning, summer can be fun and relaxing while keeping children’s minds active and enjoying lessons learned in everyday summer settings. With mom or dad as the teacher, summer days can go from hazy and lazy to getting kids yearning for learning!

Real Housewives + Paying Job = Blog Neglect

Please do not call the Division of Mom Blogs on me for wrongful neglect of my cyber-baby.  I am so saddened to see that it really has been three months since I cared for my blog, nurtured it with words of sarcasm, pessimism and snarkiness.  During this unintended hiatus, I would hear my blog crying out to me at night, but I was just too exhausted after a day at my paying job to give it any attention.  That and a few Real Housewives had their season premieres.  So on the delicate scale of cyber-baby vs. Real Housewives of New Jersey, Theresa and mind-numbing dumbness won.

Ah, but my paying job is no more until September as I hold the much coveted title of School Teacher.  People wish they were us in the summer when we can be seen tending to our own children in parks, at pools or at the beach.  While the rest of the working world sits in their offices and cubicles they forget that during the other 10 months out of the year teachers are standing to lecture, pacing to observe, sitting to read, listening to understand, and disciplining to correct in an XXXL cubicle with 20+ children all needing, wanting and deserving our attention in some way.  There is no online shopping during work hours, checking Facebook, or taking an hour lunch plus a few breaks at the water cooler to talk about last night's Real Housewives of Orange County episode. These two months help teachers recharge a much-drained battery that gets sucked dry.  


What recharges my batteries during the summer?  My true passion -writing.  I love teaching, love being in the classroom full of energy and learning and fun, but nothing is better for me than sitting in a quiet room and writing.  So readers, please stick with me this summer and I will try to get some posts published to make up for time lost.  

Spring Break: Mom Vs. Co-ed

Back in the day, which is to say back in my day circa 1994, spring break conjured up thoughts of college-age kids gone wild.  The formula for a successful and memorable (memorable sometimes only by photographic evidence) spring break was: book a flight to an island that served alcohol to anyone + rum punch + clubs + bikinis + 12 girls staying in one hotel room = the vacation of one’s dreams.  One being someone with very low standards.  Fortunately for many of us, YouTube did not exist in 1994.  I’m not saying it was fortunate for me because I would have nevvver participated in such debauchery, mom.

When I was 20 I had the great pleasure of broadening my knowledge of the world and what lies beyond our great United States and I visited the Bahamas. I am not saying that the above was anything like my experience but what I will say is I most definitely did NOT bungee jump over the pool at that club.  I might have been crazy but I wasn’t stupid.

Let’s fast forward 18 years.  It’s my spring break once again and it got me thinking about the contrasts and comparisons between a spring break of carefree college students versus one of a mom.   The similarities are startling, actually.  And although there are differences, they are quite subtle.

Moms and college girls both participate in activities involving wet t-shirts.

I guess wet t-shirt contests were (still are? I have no idea) all the rage during spring break, according to MTV’s wildly popular spring break series.  Again, this is based on scientific research with the help of MTV, not personal experience.  However, in the first few days of my spring break this year, I came across some wet t-shirts.  Yes, they were all my husband’s white t-shirts in the laundry, but still.  I almost threw one on to wash the car in the driveway just to remember that feeling, um, I mean, see what it was like, but I decided to continue to be a respectable adult in my neighborhood.

Moms and college students both get excited when someone yells, “Shots!”.

Yell “Shots!” near college students and they will flock to you like baby birds waiting for their next meal.  However in the house of a mom, when “Shots!” is yelled during spring break, it’s most likely because she scheduled every doctor’s appointment known to man during this one week when the kids have off from school.  For a mom to have one week when the kids are off from school (and being a school teacher, I’m off, too) is awesome.  Every appointment and errand can and WILL be accomplished in a Monday through Friday timeframe.  So although it’s no shot of tequila, a shot to prevent little Joey from getting the TB? Now that’s a good time.

Moms and college students can laze about in the mornings.

During spring break, moms who are home with their kids for the week have a less harried schedule.  We don’t have to yell, “Go brush your teeth, we are late!”  We can move a little slower, enjoy a cup of tea, and get in a snuggle with our little ones before our day blasts off.

College students during spring break laze around, also.  Most likely in a hungover state of, “I’m not so much lazing, as I am unable to move my body off the couch, floor, or table that I passed out on last night.”  And snuggling? Yes, that happens, too.  With a certain lady or gentleman friend who might have accompanied said college student home last night.  One big difference with the snuggle?  Unless my little one also has a stomach bug, I probably won’t get puked on as a mom.  I cannot guarantee that with the college spring break snuggler.

Moms and spring breakers don’t sleep alone.

Spring breakers are either sharing their beds with friends because 21 college students are stuffed into a room meant for four due to budget issues. Or else they are “smushing” (please refer to a Jersey Shore lingo manual for definition if you are not already cool enough to know what this means).  We moms share our beds, too!  What’s hotter than a snoring husband who occasionally “lets one fly” mid-slumber?  How about a first-grader stumbling in the room at 3 a.m. because he had a dream that a giant spider under his bed ate his dog and now he’s too scared to sleep in his room? 

So, you see, we really aren’t that different.  At this point in your life, would you want to continue life as a “Spring Break Mom” or go back one more time and experience spring break in its purest, most primal sense?

  

Disclaimer: This is not to say that all college students engage in binge drinking and sexual activities.  This is just what I’ve been told can happen and through extensive research through MTV.  Maybe you spent your college spring breaks helping your grandma buy groceries and studying, and if so, good for you.  But some of us, ahem, some other people, have other recollections of their spring breaks.