Thursday, August 28, 2008

Home Ownership is Overrated

Innocent and sincere Monkey Man thought his Mommy and Daddy were up until the wee hours last night painting our family room ceiling. When he woke up this morning and began his journey to assume his usual morning position on the family room couch, he looked up at the ceiling and saw a lovely, earthy tone of crap brown.

“Daddy, did you paint the ceiling last night?”

“Why, no, Monkey Man. That is just the innards of our toilet seeping through our ceiling.”

And so begins a home improvement project that we never planned on. Let me apologize now, because if I know you and you are having some kind of birthday party or other function in the next few months that requires a gift, sorry, but that gift is literally in the shitter.

I love home improvement – I like the end result when my house looks neat and pretty and clean. But there is no joy in the end product of a new toilet and new sheet rock on a ceiling. A new floor in that same family room was going to give me such joy and less anxiety about the amount of dog hair being trapped in the only remaining carpet in this house. Maybe you remember that carpet from an earlier post – the one that our dog Walt decided to release his bowels on a few months ago. Yeah, just when I was ready to call Lowe’s and order the new hardwood floor, the economy decided to come knocking on our door and slap us across the face. So in addition to having a disgusting floor, we have a ceiling to match.

And so I will end this post in my not so usual way – looking at the bright side. At least I have a ceiling over my head and a carpet on which to lay my head to rest. Oh, that’s a bunch of BS. Damn you, overflowing toilet and potentially mold-ridden ceiling. I WANT A NEW FLOOR!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


This is why I haven't written a post in a while. Facebook IMing. Following are 2 conversations with the same friend. A therapist could probably spend weeks analyzing this.

August 22, 2008

10:05pm Me - My brother-in-law owned the ice cream store in the mall so I started working there in high school and ended my ice cream scooping career when he sold it in college.
10:06pm Friend - Too bad. I could use some ice cream. Although, I have consumed 12,000 calories since 7 p.m.
10:07pm Me - I loved when we had Reese's Peanut Butter Cup up in the front freezer. I'd stand in the corner up there and use the sample spoons and dig out the peanut butter cups. The customers essentially got vanilla when I worked that shift.
10:07pm Friend - You are an amazing employee. I would hire you if I had a business.
10:07pm Me - Food consumption tonight - 2 slices pizza, 2 brownies, many Ritz Crackers. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH US?
10:08pm Friend - Vodka tonic (not alcoholics, despite the evidence) and lots of granola...want to be regular. We really do not usually fall asleep on trains.
10:09pm Me - Well, as you said your friend put it, you like the hooch.
10:09pm Friend - I will drink anyting. Hubby likes the trains.
10:09pm Me – Anyting? hahahahaha you are drunk.
10:10pm Friend - I wish...would make a 4 and 3 year-old much more bearable...try explaining a cup (for penile protection) to a 4 year-old while sober.
10:11pm Friend - Give me rubbing alcohol.
10:11pm Me - I have some Robitussin.
10:12pm Friend - I'll take it...they are driving me nuts. I love them, but geez louise. I can see how one becomes an alcoholic.
10:12pm Me - Yes, there is many a day when I would like to run out to Celebrity and hang with the locals
10:13pm Friend - I am amazed at how the same cars are there daily.
10:15pm Me - Did you ever pass Showplace? Not that I've noticed the cars, but I just thought of that place. And the lovelies that are hanging out there during the day having a smoke.
10:15pm Friend - OMG! The same cars everyday!
10:16pm Me - Funny how they don't quite look like the movie strippers.
10:17pm Friend - So, the big question is, are you supporting the Human Race? No pressure.
10:17pm Me - I forgot to tell you I met the singer from the band who in addition to having a great voice, and is not too bad to look at, also has an English accent. I was a little starstruck.
10:18pm Friend - I love accents.
10:18pm Me - But it doesn't take much for me to be starstruck. You've probably guessed that by my obsession with an almost 60 year old man.
10:20pm Friend - Glad to see you are supporting the Human Race. I will give Train Sleeper your regards.
10:21pm Me - Tell Train Sleeper if I can, I will attempt to kick his butt for ditching you and getting me involved.
10:22pm Friend - Speaking of him...I should join him in the living room. See you at 8? Or should we meet at 8:30 for a short treadmill workout? I am quite certain you could kick his butt at this point. Just put him on a train.
10:23pm Me - Want to do the treadmill at 8:15?
10:23pm Friend - You will so love the shirt, by the way...and the concert...and experience...and the charity that I chose, but cannot remember for the life of me.
10:23pm Me - hahaha must be a great charity. Very memorable.
10:23pm Friend - It is either WWF or Lance Armstrong -Probably Lance. He's cute. Not that pandas aren't.
10:25pm Me - Oh, Is WWF the World Wrestling Federation? Are we supporting Hulk Hogan?
10:25pm Friend – Yes. I believe it was Hulk Hogan.

August 26, 2008

9:44pm Friend - Is it wrong that I enjoy my quiet nights at home?
9:45pm Me - It is SO NOT WRONG. I love quiet nights when hubby isn't here. And he knows it!!
9:46pm Friend - Hubby knows, too.
9:49pm Friend - By the way, you have more friends!
9:49pm Me - I need 2 to break 100 but hubby has 104!
9:50pm Friend - Your hubby is collecting friends isn't he?
9:55pm Friend - I love Big Brother by the way. Hubby would be so hurt that I was watching without him.
9:55pm Me - Is that on? I've never watched it. And my hubby would love me now b/c he left baseball on and I haven't changed it!
9:56pm Friend - It is on. I have watched all 1,000 seasons of it.
9:56pm Me - I'm waiting for The Office at 10 so that I can IM, watch The Office, work on my budget, and attempt a post on my blog. Quite the multi-tasker I am.
9:57pm Friend - You really are. You should never work on the budget without a drink.
9:57pm Me - If I had one, I'd go for it. I think we have some after dinner drink that I don't even know how to properly drink.
9:58pm Friend - I hate the budget. Did you bring in the TiVo yet?
9:58pm Me - The budget consumes me. I am constantly playing with it.
9:58pm Friend - I am avoiding it like the plague.
9:58pm Me - Guess what the answer to your TiVo question it. is. The hubbies can enjoy the TiVo b/c it's still in the back of the Matrix.
9:59pm Friend - Next time I come over, I'll run out to the car and grab it.
9:59pm Me - 5th thing to do now - write go to DVR store and pick it up. Then let sit in house for 5 months.
10:00pm Friend - Yell at Cablevision, then leave item yelled about at office for indefinite amount of time.
10:15pm Friend - I am eating loads of crackers.
10:15pm Me - I ate 2 waffles with syrup.
10:15pm Friend - I want more crackers. We have problems.
10:16pm Me - I just cracked up. What the hell is wrong with us? If I didn't have a child sleeping upstairs, I'd totally go to Shop Rite and get Entenmanns chocolate chip cookies. Can I order take out from there?
10:16pm Friend - I hear they deliver. I am considering some organic cookies.
10:17pm Me - You can take comfort in knowing that they don't have preservatives.
10:18pm Friend - Or white flour.
10:18pm Pam - Which reminds me, I have organic toaster tart things that Monkey Man doesn't even like, so if I get desperate...
10:18pm Friend - You have options.
10:18pm Me - He's been picky with breakfast so I thought he'd like these. No. That's what $4 gets you. "I don't like those."
10:19pm Friend - Too bad for you. NOT. I would eat Lucy if she were coated in sugar.
10:21pm Me - Budget revision #3,225 done. If I sell Amway, turn tricks on Main St. and sell my blonde-haired, blue-eyed child, I can buy gas for another month.
10:21pm Friend - Nice, I am going with the eggs.
10:21pm Me - I just cracked up at your Lucy remark. Sometimes LOL isn't enough.
10:21pm Friend - Oh, and having ninetuplets for pay.
10:22pm Me - Ninetuplets could do a little damage on the Panda body. Not to mention you would definitely be peeing in your pants every hour of every day. No Kegels in the world could save that.
10:22pm Friend - I already do that.
10:23pm Me - Right. sorry about that. Go for it, then!
10:24pm Friend - I might go for ten.
10:24pm Me - How ridiculous am I? Just to prove to myself that I can do this, I turned on The Office and will now attempt my blog. I should just cut and paste this conversation (did you notice that it saves the conversations). I think I might do it for sh*ts and giggles.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to the Urinal I Go

Poppy (my dad) took Monkey Man to the potty (Yes! He is POTTY TRAINED! Miracles really do happen!) at some rest stop in some state we drove through while traveling north in a mini-van crammed with 5 bodies, one of them a 3 year-old that has more to say than his father.

Anyway, that 3 year-old happily took Poppy's hand to go to the men's room. Upon exiting the bathroom, my dad told me the exchange that took place between he and his newly trained grandson. Poppy told Monkey Man not to touch anything while in the bathroom. Ever obedient Monkey Man (at least in matters of dirt, germs, and general yuckiness) replied, "Okay, Poppy. I'll just touch my penis."

Friday, August 1, 2008

We're Going to Disney World!

We leave for Disney World in the wee hours of Sunday morning, so You Are Kidding Me will most likely not be updated until after August 18. However, since I am driving with Monkey Man and WITHOUT my husband, I'm going to go ahead and take a crazy guess that I'll have lots of material for this here blog upon my return. 20 hours in a car with Monkey Man? You may never hear from me again as I might take refuge in a rest stop somewhere in Virginia (if I make it that far).

I can't even complain to my husband that he gets to fly while I ride in the backseat of my parents' car with the kid, Diego, Batman, Teddy Grahams, Blue's Clues, and a vile of crack (that's my vile of crack, I'm not sharing). Because, as you've all read and seen, last week's Rick Extravaganza was brought to you in part by Hubby. He came to the concert, even though he thought he'd get out of it because my friend was going to accompany me. He TOLD ME to go rush the stage, and like the obedient wife I am, I did as told and we were up front for half the concert, singing and drooling and dancing and drooling.

But the biggest contribution? He stayed with Monkey Man and the Rick Virgin's 2 kids while we went to the CD signing at Virgin Records in NYC. Hubby works from home and has a flexible schedule, and although the Rick Virgin's hubby did make a valiant attempt to "work from home," he couldn't, so my hubby took in the kids, no questions asked and just said, "Go, have fun!" I'd marry him all over again if Rick doesn't get to me first. Hubby, you can be our Best Man, because that's how much I love you!