Thursday, June 10, 2010

Memo from Mom

TO: Urkel
FROM: A Tired, Cranky Mom
RE: Family Matters, but not at 6 a.m.
DATE: June 10, 2010

This memo is in reference to your appearances on my bedroom television between the hours of 6-7 a.m. No offense, Steve, but I was never a big fan of yours in the 80s on your sitcom, Family Matters. I always found you somewhat annoying. No, make that painstakingly, jab-myself-in-the-eardrums-with-barbecue-skewers annoying, what with that hideous laugh and your stereotypical nerd attire. Your floods, suspenders, big glasses, and ridiculous cardigans were as bad for my eyes as your fingers-on-chalkboard voice was to my ears.

Even when you became cool with that alter ego you created, Stefan Urquelle, you were still a cackling, snorting geek and as nerve-grating as ever. But, please note: I wikipedia’d that little nugget of information about your alter ego. No way in hell I remembered that. I actually thought you grew up. I have no recollection that you created a serum called “cool juice.” And then later, you created a cloning machine. And then later, I smashed all my New Kids on the Block jumbo buttons into my 15-inch television to make you go away for what I thought was forever.

But now, about 20 years later, as the mother of a child who wakes up at 6 a.m. and graces his mother with his presence at this ungodly hour, I want to hike up those flood pants to give you the world’s worst atomic wedgie ever. I thought Spongebob and his laugh were annoying, but you are what no human should have to hear when one starts their day anew.

Nickelodeon has made the seriously unwise choice of putting your show on from 6-6:30 a.m. and then 6:30-7 a.m. And Monkey Man makes the seriously unwise choice of coming into the den of a sleeping lioness at this time to watch Nick. He’ll watch anything, as long as it’s on Nick. And at this hour, I'll let him watch anything, as long as it's not porn. You might be thinking, “Well, then, take it up with the programming staff at Nick.” No. It is your voice I have to hear every morning so this is your problem.

Perhaps the worst part of all of this is how your show ends every freaking time. In the era of the after-school special – and I am NOT comparing your show to an after-school special, because after-school specials rocked, even if they were about creepy child molesters who lured children into cars with candy. (Geez, kids in the 80s were stupid. Candy? Seriously? Now you need to use an iPod or Nintendo DS for them to even consider for a moment getting in that car. Candy certainly would not make the cut in this over-indulged society).

So, as I was saying, back then, sitcoms had a moral to their 22-minute story. Now, every morning, I have to hear Carl the dad tell Laura his daughter (remember, the one you lusted after?) that she should practice abstinence. Because it’s the responsible thing to do. It’s always about being responsible. So at 6:30 I’m reminded about abstinence. Which I obviously didn’t practice, since the whole reason you’re on my television at 6 a.m. is because of my child.

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