TO: Miss Piggy
RE: America’s Next Top Role Model
DATE: January 17, 2011
This memo is to commend you for being one kick-ass pig! It has been a long time since I have seen one of your major motion pictures or even your highly acclaimed television series, “The Muppet Show.” However, last night, we had Family Movie Night and we had the pleasure of showing Monkey Man, “The Muppets Take Manhattan.”
More women should aspire to be just like you. You love yourself and all your deli-producing ham slice curves and sizzling bacon junk-in-your trunk. You don’t think about comparing yourself to some scrawny little chicken. America needs to see you on the cover of fashion magazines instead of girls who are 12 who haven’t developed one curve to their body – and then grown women think they should look like a pre-pubescent girl because, “Hey Look! She has no hips or thighs because her hormones haven’t kicked in yet, so I should look just like her because she’s on the front cover of a magazine!” You are confident and accept yourself for who and what you are – a smart, beautiful, assertive pig with a penchant for frogs.
You speak your mind, whether it’s in your soft-spoken sweet swine way or when you’re in your domineering, martial arts karate-chopping state of mind. Monkey Man cackled with sheer delight at your karate moves! Now, you do get a tad bit jealous – okay, a lot bit jealous, but seriously, who could blame you? Once “Kermy” starts singing his sweet ballads of being “Together Again” and rainbow connections, it’s kind of hard not to love the little green guy. You’re doing it for your frog. And that frog loves you for YOU.
So, Miss Piggy, in honor of women everywhere, whether of the human kind or other, thank you for being real. Or, at least as real as you can get for being a Muppet.