Some Things I Know How to Do
Eat almost an entire box of Entenmann’s Holiday Pop ‘ems. In less than 24 hours. But you are already privy to this information if you read this blog.
Roll my eyes just enough to give myself the satisfaction that I’ve rolled my eyes, but not enough so that the receiver of the eye rolling has a clue. Except Hubby. He is totally on to my eye rolling.
Boil water for pasta. Take that, Rachel Ray!
Change the belt on my vacuum without looking at the instruction manual. Says a lot for my vacuum. Yep, it sucks. Pun intended.
Organize. “Donate, throw away, keep,” is my mantra.
Never have to mow the lawn. It’s the one chore I DON’T do. “Hubby, I have really bad grass allergies. AACHOO!” I actually really do have bad grass allergies. Seriously.
Use our snowblower. I had to do it once, 2 years-ago, when Hubby went on a business trip during a blizzard. I am certain he made these travel arrangements with Mother Nature just to see if I had it in me. He and my dad gave me a tutorial a few days before when we knew the storm was coming. And I rocked that snowblower all up and down our street. Only because I was afraid to shut the thing off for fear of having to start it again.
Watch “Real Housewives of (insert any city)” and not feel like I just wasted an hour of my life. It is time for my brain to rest (read: melt).
Sleep. I am sooo good at going 10, 11, 12 hours when given the opportunity. I’m like a long-distance sleeper or something.
Do 7 things at once. I might forget during the process the first 5 things I started, but at least I started them.
And Some Things I Don’t Know How To Do
On the sleeping note, I don’t know how to function on less than 8 hours of sleep. I wake up a cranky, headachy, miserable person. I actually need 8 ½ hours to work at peak performance. Peak performance being not snapping at the grocery girl for putting the groceries in the bags in all the wrong order. Seriously, if I line them up a certain way, that is the way they go in the bags. (Oops, looks like someone didn’t get enough sleep last night!)
Blanche vegetables. I know Blanche is from Golden Girls, but I have no idea how that translates to cooking. I also don’t know how to cut a tomato or onion the right away. So let’s just say I don’t know how to cook. Period.
Change a tire. My dad has taught me dozens of times, but I have no attention span for things of the automotive nature. Mom, I know you are reading this. Please don’t tell Dad.
Use coupons. I occasionally use a coupon, and get very excited when I save 2 bucks, but I will never come home saying I bought $352 worth of groceries and spent only $17. And usually, those two coupons that I do actually have for my shopping trip stay safely on the kitchen counter and forget to make their way into my pocket.
Look at a super wiggly tooth without gagging. Monkey Man is in his prime tooth-wiggling years and laughs hysterically when I’m about to lose my lunch over his loose-tooth antics.
Balance a checkbook. Again, Mom, look away. But by some miracle, I have managed to keep this family afloat for the past 12 ½ years.
Bring Monkey Man for ice cream and not get it myself. I am shocked when I see parents bring their children out for ice cream and they sit there all ice cream-less. That’s just craziness.