While flipping through the channels last night, hubby passed over COPS, otherwise known as Educational Viewing for Children Who Don't Want to Grow Up to Be THAT Guy. Monkey Man asked hubby to stop on that channel. I guess he caught a glimpse of a classy white stained tank top (I will not use the other very un-politically correct, or is that very politically incorrect? term) and thought, "Just who are these people with that fantastic fashion sense? I need to see this for myself!"
Hubby told me that he thought for a moment, realizing that COPS is not appropriate viewing material for a 5 year-old. Unless, of course, we want to scare him straight. Like, "Look what happens when you talk back to mommy? You getcho ass cuffed and taken by the po-po!" He put it on quickly to see if it was okay (read: they weren't showing a crack pipe or some guy missing all his teeth in yet ANOTHER classy white stained tank top peeing all over his front lawn) and it was a woman getting a DUI. Oh, just a simple, violence-free offense. Okay, we'll watch for a minute, was hubby's thought, I guess.
Monkey Man: "What happened to that lady? Why is she getting arrested?"
Hubby: "She was drinking alcohol and driving. It is against the law to drink and drive."
Monkey Man: "What is alcohol?"
Hubby explained for like 10 seconds until Monkey Man lost interest and started talking about how cool Spencer from iCarly's hair is. Monkey Man listens to important conversations for his usual 10 seconds then it's on to much more worldly topics. Like, "Can a shark eat me if I'm on the beach? Is my hair longer than Spencer's? Is the tooth fairy always really small?"
Then I called up Monkey Man to brush his teeth, having no prior knowledge of the educational programming in which his father and he were engaged.
Monkey Man: "I just saw a lady get arrested on t.v."
Me: "Uh oh, that's not good."
Monkey Man: "She was drinking and driving."
Me: "Oohh, you're not supposed to do that."
Monkey Man: "Yeah, but YOU do that!"
I started hysterically laughing because he was so adament that I drink and drive. And, yes, in the most literal form of drinking and driving, I do. Because almost everywhere I go, I carry my big blue water bottle. Filled with WATER. That he always drinks from. Now, had Monkey Man listened to his father, he would have known that drinking and driving does not mean any drink.
So guess what his Kindergarten teacher is going to learn about me next week? I'll have to have her over for a drink to explain myself.