I Should Write a Book

I was home alone tonight with the spawn of Satan. Normally, being alone with my child doesn’t faze me one bit, but these days I’m constantly feeling like I need to call in for back up because just one parent will not do. But tonight, I became a parenting genius. I figured out how to go 3 hours without hearing Monkey Man say, “No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. Stinky. Stupid. I don’t like you. I’m not going to (pick one): eat my dinner, take a bath, play with a toy, ACT LIKE A HUMAN.

Supernanny, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Dr. Sears listen up: The secret to getting a pre-pre-pre-pre-pubescent child to behave? Sit Jr. in front of the T.V. (any Noggin show will do, but tonight I had the joy of watching some 90210 with Monkey Man as per his request, and if this system is to work for you, you must abide by their requests) and stuff child full of any or all of the following: chocolate pudding, watermelon, pretzels and grapes. Of course, substitute your child’s favorite foods as I cannot guarantee that the above menu will please each child’s palate. When your angel asks for the next goody (note politeness and slight hesitation in the word “cookie” because of amazement about how mother is behaving), “Mommy, can I please have a cooookie now?” “Why, sure my darling lovebug, you may have another cookie to give me one night of sanity. You may have the box of cookies if it means I won’t cry myself to sleep tonight.” Wait until child is in a food-induced daze, then carry your sleepy and bloated cherub off to slumberland.

Special Note: If puking occurs in the wee hours (child's puking, not yours because after little one's bedtime you mainlined that bottle of chardonnay) , wake husband up to deal with it and simply state, “Hmm, must be that stomach bug that’s going around.” That’s what hubby gets for leaving you with Beelzebub’s offspring for the night.